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Heathers

 

An Original Screenplay

 

 by

 Daniel Waters

 

 FINAL SHOOTING SCRIPT

 Registered WGAW

 February 8, 1988

 

 NOTE: THE HARD COPY OF THIS SCRIPT CONTAINED SCENE NUMBERS
 AND SOME "OMITTED" SLUGS. THEY HAVE BEEN REMOVED FOR THIS
 SOFT COPY.

 

 FADE IN:

Croquet BallCroquet BallCroquet BallCroquet Ball

 EXT. SAWYER'S BACKYARD--DAWN

 Elegiac music murmurs as three female and barefoot PAIRS OF
 LEGS in skirts break from tableau to gently engage in Croquet.
 A blue mallet hits a blue ball through a wicket, a green
 mallet knocks a green ball, and a yellow mallet pushes forward
 a yellow ball, all in enticing syncopation.

 Suddenly a red ball rockets through the dew covered grass and
 hits the green ball. The LEGS all stop moving as a FOURTH PAIR
 OF LEGS, this one in stylish shoes and stockings, marches to
 the red ball and steps on it. A red mallet is brought down
 hard on the red ball causing the adjacent green ball to
 thunder out of view. The Pair of Legs manuevering the green
 ball departs. This process of elimination is grimly
 repeated with the yellow ball and yet again with the blue
 ball.

 However, when the BLUE MALLETED PLAYER makes her sad exit,
 the viewer's viewpoint glides along with this particular Pair
 of Legs. A red ball whizzes by. The Legs stop. Another red
 ball malevolently sails past the Legs. Then yet another red
 ball. A fourth red ball makes brutal contact with the Legs
 causing the Player to fall to her knees and into the frame. The
 Player is VERONICA SAWYER.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--DAY

 VERONICA SAWYER, a sullen seventeen year old beauty, lies atop
 her bed dressed in a chic but understated ensemble, her eyes
 glazed open in a morning reverie. She blows up at her bangs
 then slides off her bed, launching into voice-over narration
 over the empty bed.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 Heather told me she teaches people
 Real Life.

 INT. HIGH SCHOOL HALLWAY--DAY

 Continuing her narration, VERONICA glides through a bustling
 high school hallway with a frozen smile.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 She said Real Life sucks Losers dry.
 If you want to fuck with the eagles,
 you have to learn to fly.

 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CAFETERIA--DAY

 With her back turned to the viewer, VERONICA stands at the
 outskirts of the cafeteria entrance. The viewer's viewpoint
 approaches and finally curls around VERONICA to reveal that
 she is writing in a diary, wearing a monocle.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 I said so you teach people how to
 spread their wings and fly. She
 said Yes.

 THE DIARY PAGE

 VERONICA'S pen sways across the diary page forming the words
 echoed by her voice-over.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 I said You're Beautiful.

 A sudden off-screen bark from HEATHER MCNAMARA causes the pen
 to recklessly rocket across the written words.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA (O.S.)
 God, come on Veronica!

 VERONICA coolly pops the monocle from her eye before angrily
 addressing the amusingly robust, conventionally beautiful,
 trendily coiffed HEATHER MCNAMARA.

 VERONICA
 What's your damage, Heather? You
 ruined my...

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 God, I'm so sure. Don't blame me,
 blame Heather. She told me to haul
 your ass into the caf pronto. Back
 me up, Heather.

 From behind HEATHER MCNAMARA emerges a similarly trendily
 accessorized but noticeably more inhibited waif, HEATHER DUKE.
 She is clutching a tattered copy of "The Catcher in the Rye."

HEATHER DUKE
 Yeah, she really wants to talk to you.

 VERONICA
 Okay, I'm going, I'm going. Jesus...

 INT. INSIDE THE CAFETERIA--DAY

 VERONICA, flanked by HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE,
 strides into the lunchroom pandemonium.

 The stunning HEATHER CHANDLER turns from the tray before her
 toward her incoming comrades. She is dressed stylishly and
 expensively but not trendily; her hair, dramatically tied
 back.

 VERONICA
 (submissively)
 Hello, Heather.

 Pulling out a crumpled piece of yellow paper, HEATHER
 CHANDLER smiles. The content of what Heather says is
 consistently offensive but the tone in which she speaks
 is sexy, dangerous, and mysterious. She is a mythic bitch.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Veronica. Finally. Got a paper of
 Kurt Kelly's. I need you to forge
 a hot and horny but realistically
 low-key note in Kurt's handwriting
 and we'll slip it into Martha
 Dumptruck's lunch tray.

 VERONICA
 Shit, Heather. I don't have anything
 against Martha Dunnstock.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 You don't have anything for her
 either. Come on, it'll be Very. The
 note'll give her shower nozzle
 masturbation material for weeks.

 VERONICA
 I'll think about it.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 (looking off)
 Don't think.

 POV ON CAFETERIA LINE

 Unattractive and quite overweight, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK
 guiltily plops two jellos on her tray and clunks forward in
 line.

 CAFETERIA ENTRANCE

 VERONICA's arm, seemingly involuntary, latches onto the
 outstretched pen.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Splendid. I'll dictate. Veronica
 needs something to write on.
 Heather, bend over.

 Both HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE bend over. HEATHER
 CHANDLER violently laughs.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 How nice. Two assholes: no waiting.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE stand erect, embarrassed.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Heather Duke, back down.

 VERONICA scurries to the contorting HEATHER DUKE.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Dear Martha, you're so sweet..

 THE JOCKS' TABLE

 The traditionally handsome KURT KELLY and the massive RAM sit
 with other typical Jocks taking in VERONICA and the HEATHERS.

 KURT
 It'd be so righteous to be in a
 Veronica Sawyer-Heather Chandler
 sandwich. Punch it in, Ram.

 KURT and RAM raise their right arms and slam their fists
 together.

 RAM
 Hell yes. I wanna set a Heather on
 my Johnson and just start spinning
 her like a fucking pinwheel.

 RAM makes a frantic spinning motion.

 CAFETERIA ENTRANCE

 In slow motion, VERONICA finishes the note and rises up along
 with her makeshift desk, HEATHER DUKE.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA hawkishly gazes toward the cafeteria line.

 VERONICA hands the note to an impressed HEATHER CHANDLER.

 MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK pays the CASHIER and then, grasping
 her lunch tray with both hands, moves toward VERONICA and the
 HEATHERS.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA excitedly tugs on HEATHER CHANDLER'S arm as
 MARTHA approaches. With a tranquil smile, HEATHER CHANDLER
 passes the note to her frantic disciple.

 In a self-consciously clandestine manner, HEATHER MCNAMARA
 saunters past MARTHA then wields around to sneakily tuck the
 note onto MARTHA's tray.

Westerberg

 The slow motion concludes as their plump victim shuffles
 past a magnetic preppie PETER DAWSON and a thin, black,
 bespectacled DENNIS. The guys are working a large stand which
 has a cashbox reading THE FOODLESS FUND and a banner reading
 WESTERBURG FEEDS THE WORLD.

 PETER
 Come on people, let's give that
 leftover lunch money to people
 without lunches! Those tater tots
 you threw away today are a delicacy
 in Africa! They're Thanksgiving dinner!

 HEATHERS' TABLE

 The Girls reach their table with HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER
 DUKE sitting themselves down first.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 (looking to the stand)
 God, aren't they fed yet? Do they
 even have Thanksgiving in Africa?

 VERONICA
 (low key sarcasm)
 Oh sure, Pilgrims, Indians, tater
 tots; it's a real party continent.

 HEATHER CHANDLER draws up a clipboard.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Sawyer. Guess what today is?

 VERONICA
 Ouch....the lunchtime poll. So
 what's the question?

 HEATHER DUKE
 Yeah, so what's the question?

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 God-damn Heather, you were with me
 in Study Hall when I thought of it.
 Such a pillowcase.

 HEATHER DUKE
 (hurt)
 I forgot.

 ANOTHER ANGLE

 VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER briskly bop away from the table
 as a wounded HEATHER DUKE retreats to The Catcher in the Rye.

 VERONICA
 Hey, this question wouldn't be that
 bizarro thing you were babbling
 about over the phone last......

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Shut up, it is. I told Dennis if he
 gave me another topic that was
 political, I'd spew burrito chunks.

 VERONICA shakes her head and looks off. She's suddenly
 captured by the sight of a JAMES DEANESQUE GUY sitting stark
 in a long, tan gunslinger coat, behind a Rebel Without a Cause
 lunchbox. They make eye contact.

 Transfixed, VERONICA crashes into seated BETTY FINN, a
 slightly overweight, unstylishly dressed sweetie surrounded by
 clones.

 BETTY
 Sorry Veronica.

 VERONICA
 Betty Finn. Gosh.....

 VERONICA crouches down, embarrassed and rueful.

 VERONICA
 I'm really sorry I couldn't make it
 to your birthday party last month.

 BETTY
 That's okay. Your Mom said you had
 a big date. Heck, I'd probably skip
 my own birthday party for a date.

 VERONICA gently laughs at BETTY's innocent awe.

 VERONICA
 Don't say that.

 BETTY
 Oh Ronnie, you have to look at
 what I dug up the other day.

 BETTY pulls from her purse a picture showing a YOUNG BETTY
 FINN AND VERONICA SAWYER, arm-in-arm, dressed in Halloween
 costumes: BETTY is an angel, VERONICA is a witch.

 VERONICA glows at the photo until HEATHER CHANDLER tows
 VERONICA away causing the picture to fall face up on the
 floor.

 ANOTHER ANGLE

 VERONICA
 I was talking with someone!

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Color me impressed. I thought you
 grew out of Betty Finn.

 THE COUNTRY CLUB KIDS' TABLE

 A coolly coed cabal of Country Club Kids icily eye the
 approaching VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER. Country Club
 kid COUTRNEY sourly speaks out.

 COURTNEY
 Oh great. Here comes Heather.

 KEITH
 Shit.

 MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE

 Alone at a table in the Siberia of the cafeteria, MARTHA
 finishes a forkful of chicken. She spears her plate again and
 brings the fork up. The note is wedged inside it.

 THE COUNTRY CLUB KIDS' TABLE

 HEATHER CHANDLER, Veronica in tow, hits the Country Club Kids
 with a salvo of false pleasantness, capped by a scowling
 smile.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Hi Courtney. Love your blouse. Ooh,
 let me snare a tater.

 COURTNEY expresses elation in spite of herself as HEATHER
 CHANDLER delicately takes a tot and turns around to face
 VERONICA. HEATHER CHANDLER inserts her finger in her mouth
 doing the "induce-vomiting" signal before devouring the tot
 and turning back around.

 COURTNEY
 Thanks. I just got it last night at
 the Limited. Totally blew my allowance.

 HEATHER CHANDLER raises her clipboard. VERONICA closes her
 eyes and shakes her head with a half-smile.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 That's pretty very. Now check this out. You
 win five million dollars from Publishers
 Sweepstakes, but on the same day what's-
 his-face gives you the check, aliens
 land on earth and say they're going
 to blow up the world in two days.
 What would you do?

 A stunned tableau; until Country Club Kid KEITH speaks.

 KEITH
 That's easy. I'd just slide that wad
 over to my father. He's like one of
 the top brokers in the state.

 VERONICA
 Wake up. In two days, Earth's going
 up like a Roman Candle. Crab Nebula City.

 KEITH
 Man, in two days, my dad could
 double my money. Triple it.

 COURTNEY
 If I got that money, I'd give it
 all to the Homeless. Every cent.

 VERONICA
 You're beautiful.

 THE FOODLESS FUND STAND

 PETER reaches into the Foodless Fund Box and takes some bills.

 PETER
 Dennis, my man, run over to Mickey
 D.'s and get me a Big Mac and some fries.

 DENNIS
 But that's the Foodless Fund money.

 PETER
 Hey, even Bob Geldof's got to eat.
 If it makes you feel better, bag the
 fries, and nab yourself an Apple Pie.

 CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE

 HEATHER CHANDLER drags VERONICA down a cafeteria lane.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 If you're going to openly be a bitch....

 VERONICA
 (submissive)
 I'm sorry, it's just why can't we
 talk to different kinds of people?

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I
 look like Mother Theresa? If I did,
 I probably wouldn't mind talking to
 the Geek Squad.

 She points to a table of unfashionably dressed and coiffed
 students. Some wear glasses, some wear braces, some wear
 both.

 THE GEEKS' TABLE

 The GEEKS react to being pointed at. Their boney leader RODNEY
 splatters milk over himself.

 RODNEY
 Did you see that? Heather Number
 One looked right at us.

 BIG CYNIC
 It must be love.

 CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE

 VERONICA confronts HEATHER CHANDLER.

 VERONICA
 Doesn't it bother you that everyone in
 the school thinks you're a piranha?

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Like I give a shit. They all want me,
 as a friend or a fuck. I'm worshipped
 at Westerburg and I'm only a Junior.

 VERONICA
 Pretend you're a missionary saving
 a colony of cootie victims.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 (giving in)
 Whatever. I don't believe this. We're
 going to a party at Remington University
 tonight and we're brushing up our
 conversation skills with the
 scum of the school.

 MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE

 Her sweaty lips moving rapidly, MARTHA anxiously reads the
 note.

 THE GEEKS' TABLE

 The nervous GEEKS fidget and roughhouse each other in an
 involuntarily immature reaction to their beautiful
 interviewers.

 GEEK WITH BRACES
 No seriously, I'd probably go to
 Egypt. With a girl.

 BIG CYNIC
 Taking a hooker to the Pyramids on
 the last day of Mankind. You
 sentimental old fart.

 BRACES
 Geez, forget it.

 VERONICA
 What about you Rodney?

 RODNEY
 (quietly to the others)
 I told you she knew my name.
 (beat of contemplation)
 I'd change my life. New clothes.
 New haircut. New house. New home.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 How sad! Blowing all your cash on
 two days of trying to be hip.

 ANOTHER ANGLE

 VERONICA tugs HEATHER CHANDLER away from the table.

 VERONICA
 If you're going to openly be a bitch....

 As HEATHER CHANDLER continues to guffaw, VERONICA again
 catches sight of the JAMES DEANESQUE GUY. He wraps his fingers
 around an egg and unfolds them back. The egg is gone. He
 smiles. VERONICA smiles back.

 Her trance is broken by a boisterous HEATHER MCNAMARA and
 HEATHER DUKE who careen into the two pollsters.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 God, scan on Martha Dumptruck.

 POV ON MARTHA

 MARTHA looks up from the note to the JOCKS' table and KURT
 KELLY, then flustered, back down at the note.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 This is the part I hate. The waiting.
 I'd say we're like twenty minutes from
 major humiliation. Come on, Veronica.

 HEATHER CHANDLER floats off. A disturbed VERONICA takes a
 moment to react.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Veronica?

 VERONICA follows the leader. She calls out.

 VERONICA
 Damn..

 EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT--DAY

 VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER march into the school parking
 lot toward four HEAVY METALERS (one female) hanging out on a
 car hood. The girls' conversation is heard in voice-over.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 ..you Heather. Deep down all teenagers
 are the same. Didn't you see The
 Breakfast Club?

 INT. CAFETERIA--BETTY FINN'S TABLE--DAY

 VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER set themselves down with BETTY
 FINN and her LOOK-ALIKE FRIENDS.

 HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
 Look at me. I look great. I'm the girl
 in the commercials and the videos.

 JOCKS' TABLE

 VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER warily stand at the outskirts of
 the JOCKS' bastion of vulgarity.

 HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
 I'm the blonde in the bikini on the
 horse holding a Pepsi can.

 INT. STONERS' HALLWAY--DAY

 In a dark, smoky hallway, VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER cough
 toward a batch of STONERS in tattered forms of dress.

 HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
 I'm the princess being spanked on the
 throne by Billy Idol's guitarist's guitar.

 INT. THE FOODLESS FUND STAND--DAY

 VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER accost PETER DAWSON at the
 Foodless Fund stand.

 HEATHER CHANDLER (V.O.)
 What do I get out of being friends
 with losers. I give them a piece of
 a winner and they stain me with loserness.

 EXT. PARKING LOT--DAY

 Heavy Metaler MATT grins.

 MATT
 You get five million dollars but
 some Martians are going to zap you
 in two days. You hear that, Clyde?
 That's got to be the most spooky-ass
 question I've ever heard.

 INT. CAFETERIA--BETTY FINN'S TABLE--DAY

 BETTY FINN daintily peeps up.

 BETTY FINN
 I think we should use the money
 for an End-of-the-world get-together.
 We could invite guys.

 JOCKS' TABLE

 RAM sputters out some chicken to bellow.

 RAM
 I'd pay Madonna one million dollars
 to ride my face like the Kentucky
 Derby. She should be paying me, though.

 INT. STONERS' HALLWAY--DAY

 A FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET starts to speak, then stops...

 FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET
 What?

 INT. CAFETERIA--THE FOODLESS FUND STAND--DAY

 PETER DAWSON lashes out.

 PETER DAWSON
 This is important. With taxes, I'd
 be only getting 3.5 million and....

 EXT. PARKING LOT--DAY

 Heavy Metaler CLYDE turns from his friend MATT.

 CLYDE
 If you want a good way to go out
 before the aliens land, get a lion
 from the zoo. Put a remote control
 bomb up its butt. When the lion starts
 tearing you up, press the bomb button.
 You and the lion die like as one.

 Two Heavy Metal lovers, JACKIE and STEVE, intertwined against
 the windshield blankly respond.

 JACKIE AND STEVE
 Cool.

 INT. CAFETERIA THOROUGHFARE--DAY

 VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER continue their conversation
 chugging through another busy cafeteria lane.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Just imagine somebody like your
 quasi-fat, goody-good friend Betty
 Finn doing a Crest commercial. No
 one would buy Crest.

 VERONICA
 Don't tell me. Crest would be
 stained with loserness.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Yeah, and who wants that on their teeth?

 HEATHER MCNAMARA and HEATHER DUKE burst back between them.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Oh God, here we go...

 POV ON MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK

 MARTHA, with awkward apprehension, stumbles toward KURT and
 the JOCKS. VERONICA and the HEATHERS stop breathing.

 MARTHA mumbles something unintelligible from where the girls
 stand. KURT'S head detonates with a terrifying cackle. MARTHA
 flees the cafeteria in horror. VERONICA spins away from her
 mirthful friends in disgust and makes eye contact with the
 similarly disturbed JAMES DEANESQUE GUY.

 VERONICA lurches away. She brakes against the Foodless Fund
 stand where PETER DAWSON is hollering away.

 PETER
 A dime increases the time! A buck
 brings good luck! Hi Veronica. A
 five keeps the neighborhood alive!
 A ten and you die without sen!

 HEATHER CHANDLER wings a twenty dollar bill into the cashbox.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 (to Veronica)
 You wanted to become a member of
 the most powerful clique in the
 school. If I wasn't already the
 head of it, I'd want the same thing.

 VERONICA
 I'm sorry? What are you oozing about?

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 That episode with the note back there
 was for all of us to enjoy, but you
 seem determined to ruin my day.

 VERONICA
 (slapping her knee)
 We made a girl want to consider
 suicide. What a scream. What a jest.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Come on you jerk. You know you used
 to have a sense of humor.

 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM--DAY

 Combing their hair in the bathroom mirror, the HEATHERS speak
 in comically whining-and-pathetic imitations of Martha
 Dumptruck as VERONICA shakes her head with a half-smile.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Ku-urt, let's pa-arty.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Ku-urt, I ne-ed an orgasm.

 HEATHER DUKE's gentle off-screen voice slices in.

 HEATHER DUKE (O.S.)
 Veronica, could you come back here?

 HEATHER CHANDLER AND HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Gross!

 VERONICA
 A true friend's work is never done.

 VERONICA reveals her right index finger is cut noticeably
 short, then walks over to the stalls.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Grow up, Heather. Bulimia's so '86.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Color me nauseous.

 THE STALL

 VERONICA stands in a tight stall with an ashamed HEATHER DUKE.

 VERONICA
 Maybe you should see a doctor.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Yeah, maybe.

 HEATHER CHANDLER (O.S.)
 Come on Heather. We want another
 look at today's lunch.

 VERONICA
 Geez, don't listen to them.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA (O.S.)
 Did she have the pie or the ice
 cream for dessert?
 (like a game show host)
 And the answer is.

 HEATHER DUKE holds up her copy of The Catcher in the Rye and
 makes a bizarrely defiant smile.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Yeah, you know Holden Caulfield in
 the Catcher in the Rye wouldn't put
 up with their bogus nonsense.

 VERONICA
 Well, you better move Holden out
 of the way or he's going to get spewed.

 HEATHER DUKE puts down her book and opens her mouth. VERONICA
 sticks her finger in.

 CAFETERIA ENTRANCE

 A gnarly melange of chicken and potatoes is scraped off a
 plate into a cafeteria trashcan as VERONICA and the HEATHERS
 stroll by outside. VERONICA pauses to peer in at the JAMES
 DEANESQUE GUY.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 God Veronica, drool much? His name's
 Jason Dean. He's in my American History.

 VERONICA
 Give me the clipboard.

 As VERONICA walks off, HEATHER MCNAMARA oinks out some amusing
 sexual noises.

 CAFETERIA/JASON DEAN'S TABLE

 VERONICA saunters to JASON DEAN.

 VERONICA
 Hello Jason Dean.

 JASON
 Greetings and salutations. Call me
 J.D. Are you a Heather?

 VERONICA
 No, a Veronica. Sawyer. This may
 seem like a stupid question....

 J.D.
 There are no stupid questions.

 VERONICA
 If you inherit five million dollars
 the same day aliens tell the earth
 they're blowing us up in two days,
 what would you do?

 J.D.
 (suavely)
 That's the stupidest question I've
 ever heard.

 JOCKS' TABLE

 The JOCKS witness VERONICA and J.D.

 RAM
 Who does that new kid think he is
 with that coat? Bo Diddley?

 KURT
 Veronica is into his act. No doubt.

 RAM
 Let's kick his ass.

 KURT
 Shit, we're seniors, Ram. Too old
 for that crap. Let's give him a
 scare though.

 J.D.'S TABLE

 An intrigued J.D. laconically answers the question.

 J.D.
 Probably just row on out to the
 middle of a lake. Bring along my
 sax, some tequila, and some Bach.

 VERONICA
 How very.

 HEATHER CHANDLER breaks VERONICA's daze of admiration.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Come on.

 VERONICA (to J.D.)
 Later.

 J.D.
 Definitely.

 KURT and RAM move into the exiting VERONICA's place.
 RAM sticks his finger through a piece of pie on J.D.'s plate.

 RAM
 You going to eat this?

 KURT
 What did your boyfriend say when
 you told him you were moving to
 Sherwood, Ohio?

 RAM
 Answer him dick!

 KURT
 Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria
 have a No Fags Allowed Rule?

 J.D.
 It seems to have an open door policy
 for assholes though, doesn't it?

 KURT
 What did you say dickweed?

 J.D.
 I'll repeat myself.

 J.D. gracefully stands, reaches into his coat, and pulls out a
 .357 Magnum. He fires twice at the viewer.

 EXT. THE SAWYER BACKYARD--DAY

 Croquet wickets have been set up in standard form. VERONICA
 and the HEATHERS stand at various positions in the yard
 holding different colored mallets next to matching balls.
 HEATHER CHANDLER knocks her ball through the middle wicket.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 God, they won't expell him. They'll
 just suspend him for a week or something.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 He used a real gun. They should
 throw his ass in jail.

 VERONICA
 No way. He used blanks. All J.D.
 really did was ruin two pairs of
 pants...Maybe not even that...
 (giggling)
 Can you bleach out urine stains?

 HEATHER CHANDLER knocks her red ball into HEATHER DUKE'S green
 one.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 J.D.? You seem pretty amused. I thought
 you were giving up on high school guys.

 VERONICA
 Never say never.

 HEATHER DUKE
 What are you going to do, Heather?
 Take the two shots or send me out?

 The Girls look to the doelike HEATHER DUKE with incredulous
 faces.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Did you have a brain tumor for
 breakfast? First you ask if you can
 be red, knowing that I'm always red...

 HEATHER CHANDLER places her foot on her red ball. She swings
 her mallet down hard on the red ball sending the adjacent
 green one rocketing into a flower bed.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Shit.

 HEATHER CHANDLER's next shot falls short of the next wicket.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 (to HEATHER DUKE)
 Damn. It's your turn Heather.

 HEATHER DUKE
 No, it's Heather's turn.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA hits her ball through a wicket and squeals.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Anyway, I can say never to high
 school. I've got David.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 King David.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Maybe when you hit maturity you'll
 understand the diff between a Remington
 University man like David and a
 Westerburg boy like Ram "Wham-bam-
 thank-you-maam" Sweeney.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA misses her next shot.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Ram's sweet. Yo Heather, you're up.

 HEATHER DUKE tries to navigate a shot from the flower bed.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 No way, no day!

 VERONICA
 Give it up girl!

 As her friends howl, HEATHER DUKE slams her ball out of the
 flower bed. The ball bounces off a tree and amazingly goes
 through a wicket. HEATHER DUKE squeals in delight.

 VERONICA HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Holy shit! God, that was unbelievable!

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 What. A. Shot.

 HEATHER DUKE's next shot falls short of the next wicket.
 VERONICA begins setting up her shot.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 So tonight's the night. Are you
 two excited?

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 I'm giving Veronica her shot. Her
 first Remington Party. Blow it tonight
 girl and it's keggers with kids all
 next year.

 VERONICA
 (missing her shot)
 Crap. So who's this Brad guy I've
 been set up with? Witty and urbane
 pre-lawyer or albino accountant?

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Don't worry. David says he's very
 so he's very.

 HEATHER CHANDLER again hits her ball into HEATHER DUKE'S.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Why?

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Why not?

 HEATHER CHANDLER slams HEATHER DUKE's ball back into the
 flower bed. VERONICA'S MOM calls out the back screen door.

 MOM
 Heather, your Mother's here.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Come on whoever wants a ride.

 As the HEATHERS head into the house, VERONICA picks up HEATHER
 DUKE'S ball and exuberantly throws it back toward the wickets.

 Veronica's MOM, carrying a tray of pate, and DAD, carrying a
 Robert Ludlum book, place themselves around a patio table.

 DAD
 Take a break Veronica, sit down.

 VERONICA
 All right.

 VERONICA sinks into the empty middle deck chair.

 DAD
 So what was the first week of
 Spring Vacation withdrawl like?

 VERONICA
 I don't know, it was okay, I guess.

 MOM
 Hey kid, isn't the prom coming up?

 VERONICA
 I guess.

 MOM
 Any contestants worth mentioning?

 VERONICA
 Maybe. There's kind of a dark
 horse now in the running.

 DAD
 (looking up)
 Goddamn. Will somebody please tell
 me why I read this spy crap.

 VERONICA
 (smiling)
 Because you're an idiot.

 DAD
 Oh yeah, that's it.

 DAD immediately returns to reading with a wide grin.

 MOM
 (shaking her head)
 You two....

 VERONICA
 Great pate, but I'm going to have
 to motor if I want to be ready for
 the party tonight.

 EXT. OUTSIDE 7-11--NIGHT

 A Volkswagen Cabriolet pulls up in front of a 7-11 with
 HEATHER CHANDLER at the wheel. VERONICA pops out of the
 car, into the store. HEATHER CHANDLER clamors to her.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Corn nuts!

 INT. 7-11--NIGHT

 Stylishly dressed-to-massacre, VERONICA reaches out to a bag
 of Corn Nuts as J.D.'s off-screen voice disarms her.

 J.D. (O.S.)
 You going to pull a Big Gulp with that?

 VERONICA
 No, but if you're nice I'll let
 you buy me a Slurpee. You know
 your 7-11speak pretty well.

 J.D.
 I've been moved around all my life;
 Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas, Sherwood
 Ohio, there's always a 7-11. Any
 town, any time, I can pop a Ham and
 Cheese in the microwave and feast on
 a Big Wheel. Keeps me sane.

 VERONICA
 Really? That thing in the caf
 today was pretty severe.

 J.D.
 The extreme always makes an impression,
 but you're right, it was severe. Did
 you say a Cherry or Coke Slurpee?

 VERONICA
 I didn't. Cherry.

 VERONICA smiles at her Coolness. J.D. returns the smile.

 EXT. 7-11 PARKING LOT--NIGHT

 VERONICA and J.D. slurp by J.D.'s ferocious motorcycle.

 VERONICA
 Great bike.

 HEATHER CHANDLER sounds her car horn with a grimace. VERONICA
 glares at her then turns back to J.D.

 J.D.
 Just a humble perk from my Dad's
 Construction company or should I
 say Deconstruction company?

 VERONICA
 I don't know. Should you?

 J.D.
 My father seems to enjoy tearing
 things down more than putting things up.
 Seen the commerical? "Bringing every
 State to a Higher State."

 VERONICA
 Time out....Jason Dean. Your Pop's
 Big Bud Dean Construction. Must be
 rough. Moving place to place.

 J.D.
 Everybody's life's got static. Is
 your life perfect?

 VERONICA
 (gently joking)
 Sure, I'm on my way to a party
 at Remington University.

 VERONICA grows serious as the car horn sounds again.

 VERONICA
 It's not perfect. I don't really
 like my friends.

 J.D.
 I don't really like your friends either.

 VERONICA
 It's like they're just people I
 work with and our job is being
 popular and shit.

 J.D.
 Maybe it's time for a vacation.

 The car horn blares again.

 INT. DORMITORY ROOM--NIGHT

 DAVID, Heather Chandler's fine looking college beau, leads
 VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER into a cramped, eclectically
 tacky dorm room. Music pounds the door.

 The semi-handsome BRAD chats atop a desk with BRAD'S FRIEND.

 DAVID
 Throw your coats on the bed, girls.

 BRAD
 That exam was so bogus.

 BRAD'S FRIEND
 Oh I know. Which exam?

 DAVID
 Veronica, this is Brad.

 BRAD
 Excellent. Did you girls bring
 your partying slippers?

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Yeah, let's party.

 DAVID
 She loves to party.

 As they head out the door, BRAD whispers something in BRAD'S
 FRIEND's ear causing the pair to snarl off a laugh.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 The viewer is taken back and forth from a shattered post-party
 VERONICA to the traumatic dormitory party itself. The sobbing
 monocoled VERONICA writes at her desk.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 Dear Diary, I want to kill and you
 have to believe.....damn pen!

 VERONICA frenziedly scribbles, trying to get her pen to
 write. She throws the pen across the room and pulls out
 another.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 You have to believe it's for more
 than selfish reasons. More than a
 spoke in my menstrual cycle. You
 have to believe me.

 INT. DORMITORY HALLWAY--NIGHT

 The chaotic hallway rumbles with beer cups and loud music.
 VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER's stylish garb clashes with the
 laid-back dress of the COLLEGE STUDENTS.

 BRAD anxiously hands VERONICA a cup of beer as he watches
 DAVID and HEATHER CHANDLER move through a staircase door.

 BRAD
 So, are you a cheerleader?

 VERONICA
 (dealing with a jerk)
 No, not at all.
 BRAD
 You're pretty enough to be one.

 VERONICA
 Gee, thanks.

 BRAD
 It's so great to be able to talk
 to a girl and not have to ask
 "What's your major?" I hate that.

 They uncomfortably sip their beers. A deadly pause ensues.

 BRAD
 So when you go to college, what kind
 of subjects do you think you'll study?

 INT. DAVID'S DORM ROOM

 HEATHER CHANDLER and DAVID sit on the latter's bed, surrounded
 by a PC and a series of obnoxious Ferrari posters. They kiss.
 DAVID doing most of the work.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Come on David, let's go back to the party.

 DAVID
 (unzipping his pants)
 Don't worry, we will. You're just so
 hot tonight. I can't control myself.

 DAVID pushes HEATHER CHANDLER's head down.

 INT. DORM HALLWAY--NIGHT

 BRAD has given up on conversation.

 BRAD
 So what do you say we head up to my
 room and have a real party. I've got the
 best Windham Hill C.D. collection
 in the dorm.

 BRAD'S FRIEND approaches before VERONICA can show disgust.

 BRAD'S FRIEND
 Brad-ley, Hennesey's looking for
 you. He says he owes you for blow
 and he just got some product himself.

 BRAD
 You're kidding. That pecker actually
 scored something on his own?

 BRAD'S FRIEND
 (ambling off)
 He's in Sheila's room, big guy. Party up.

 BRAD
 Excellent. Veronica, ever do cocaine?

 VERONICA
 Ever since Phil Collins did that anti-
 drug thing on MTV I refuse everything.

 BRAD
 Phil Collins? Are you sure he isn't
 drinking and driving?

 VERONICA
 Jeez, right, then why don't I do drugs?

 BRAD
 Right. Hey, don't run away now.

 With a wink, BRAD squirms off. VERONICA dashes into the room
 with the coats.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 VERONICA rampages through her diary.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 Seventeen is the last year Mom buys
 the Twinkies. When you make the
 jump from working weekends at Pizza
 Hut to thirty years at I.B.M., you
 lose something. Not innocence -- power.

 J.F.K. the cat jumps onto the Diary.

 VERONICA
 J.F.K.!

 VERONICA flings the screeching cat off and continues.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 Christ, I can't explain it, but I'm
 allowed an understanding that my
 parents and these Remington University
 assholes have chosen to ignore. I
 understand I must stop Heather.

 INT. DORM "COAT" ROOM--NIGHT

 Panting, VERONICA collapses at a desk in the "coat" room. She
 draws a Vodka bottle from a stockpile of liquor and pours
 some in her beer cup, slouching down in her chair.

 VERONICA lights a match from a 7-11 matchbook. She eerily
 brings her hand closer and closer to the fire until it
 touches.

 With an eek of pain, she tosses the match away into the Vodka
 cup, setting it afire. VERONICA laughs to herself before
 tossing the flaming cup out the window.

 EXT. ALLEY OUTSIDE THE DORMITORY--NIGHT

 The flaming cup lands in a large rusted garbage can filled
 with other cups and various refuse. The flames spread...

 INT. DORMITORY BATHROOM--NIGHT

 A dejected HEATHER CHANDLER walks into a multi-mirror-and-sink
 bathroom. Using a glass off one of the sinks, she gargles some
 water and then spits it at her own reflection.

 INT. THE DORM "COAT" ROOM--NIGHT

 VERONICA closes the window as BRAD opens the door.

 BRAD
 How's my little cheerleader? Now I
 know everyone at your high school
 isn't so uptight, come on.

 VERONICA
 Hey really, I don't feel so great.

 BRAD
 Let's do it on the coats. It'll
 be excellent.

 BRAD plops down onto the bed of coats and begins bouncing.

 VERONICA
 I have a little prepared speech I
 give when my suitor wants more
 than I'd like to give him....
 Gee Blank, I had a nice....

 BRAD
 Save the speeches for Malcom X.
 I just wanna get laid.

 VERONICA
 You don't deserve my fucking speech!

 VERONICA yanks up her coat from beneath BRAD on the bed
 causing him to slide off onto the floor.

 INT. DORM HALLWAY--NIGHT

 VERONICA storms into the hallway but slows down when she sees
 she's attracting attention. She notices an incited BRAD
 slither to the smiling DAVID who chats with some STUDENTS,
 HEATHER CHANDLER on his arm.

 BRAD causes DAVID's smile to ever-so-slightly diminish. DAVID
 whispers to HEATHER CHANDLER who proceeds to set down her beer
 and walk toward VERONICA.

 EXT. DORMITORY ALLEY--NIGHT

 The fire in the trashcan is raging.

 INT. DORM HALLWAY--NIGHT

 A steel faced HEATHER CHANDLER comes face-to-face with
 VERONICA.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 What's your damage? Brad says
 you're being a real cooze.

 VERONICA
 Heather, I feel awful, like I'm going
 to throw up. Can we jam, please?

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 No. Hell no.

 VERONICA'S eyes fall shut in a near-faint. She flings herself
 down off-screen with some ugly wretching sounds.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 VERONICA savagely scrawls in her diary, tears burning fierce.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 Betty Finn was a true friend and I
 sold her out for a bunch of Swatchdogs
 and Diet Cokeheads. Killing Heather'd
 be like offing the Wicked Witch of the
 West. Or is it East? West! I sound
 like a psycho. Tomorrow I'll be kissing
 her aerobicized ass but tonight let me
 dream of a world without Heather. A
 world where I am free.

 INT. DORM HALLWAY--NIGHT

 VERONICA rises into view with tinges of vomit on her mouth. A
 smile breaks across HEATHER CHANDLER's granite puss. VERONICA
 runs off as STUDENTS laugh in the background.

 EXT. DORMITORY ALLEY--NIGHT

 VERONICA charges into the alley. She whips around to face a
 screeching HEATHER CHANDLER. In back of VERONICA, the trashcan
 bellows like Mt. Vesuvius.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 You stupid cunt!

 VERONICA
 You goddamn bitch!

 The flickering flames cast HEATHER CHANDLER in a demonic
 light.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 You were nothing before you met me!
 You were playing Barbies with Betty
 Finn! You were a Brownie, you were a
 Bluebird, you were a Girl Scout
 Cookie! I got you into a Remington
 Party! What's my thanks? It's on the
 hallway carpet. I get paid in puke!

 VERONICA
 Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 (totally in control)
 Monday morning, you're history. I'll
 tell everyone about tonight. Transfer
 to Washington. Transfer to Jefferson.
 No one at Westerburg's going to let
 you play their reindeer games.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 VERONICA flings her diary across the room where it hits the
 wall behind the stunning figure of J.D. VERONICA gasps.

 J.D.
 Dreadful etiquette. I apologize.

 VERONICA
 (exhaling deeply)
 S'okay....

 J.D.
 I saw the croquet set-up in the back.
 Up for a match?

 VERONICA is simultaneously dismayed and exhilarated. She seems
 ready to burst out all her anxieties but instead....

 VERONICA
 Sure. But I'm Blue.

 EXT. THE SAWYER BACKYARD--LATE NIGHT

 The viewer's viewpoint glides through the grass of Veronica's
 backyard uncovering combinations of wickets and articles of
 clothing. A pair of girls shoes and a pair of guys shoes rest
 together by the first wicket.

 J.D. (V.O.)
 Goddamn, no wonder you looked so
 mangled when I came through the window.

 Feminine socks and masculine socks lay crumpled by the next wicket.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 I've always treated Heather's teen
 queen power plays as bullshit.....

 As VERONICA quiveringly pauses, a stylish blouse and a rugged
 shirt are revealed mingling by another wicket.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 But I'm really scared. Who am I going
 to eat lunch with on Monday? I sound
 like an Afterschool Special.

 The viewer's viewpoint moves to a dress and a pair of jeans
 resting side by side at another wicket.

 J.D. (V.O.)
 That was my first game of Strip
 Croquet, you know. I thank you.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 You're welcome. It's a lot more
 interesting than just flinging
 off your clothes and boning away
 on the neighbor's swing set.

 VERONICA'S blue mallet has been staked into the ground. Her
 panties hang on one end, J.D.'s underwear hangs on the other.

 J.D. (O.S.)
 Well, I don't know. There's
 something to be said for...Ouch!

 VERONICA and J.D. are finally revealed, entangled in an artful
 pose upon J.D.'s gunslinger coat. They warmly kiss. VERONICA
 breaks off to uneasily giggle.

 VERONICA
 What a night.

 J.D. gently bites in to VERONICA's neck. VERONICA grooves on
 it, closing her eyes tightly.

 VERONICA
 What a life. I almost moved into high
 school out of sixth grade because I
 was some genius. We all decided to
 chuck the idea because I'd have
 trouble making friends, blah-blah-blah.

 VERONICA slides her head down against J.D.'s chest and
 gracefully rests on his lap. Gently fighting slumber, she
 murmurs up to J.D., who showers her face with slow kisses.

 VERONICA
 Now blah-blah-blah is all I do. I use
 my grand I.Q. to figure out what gloss
 to wear and how to hit three keggers
 before curfew. Some genius.

 J.D.
 Heather Chandler is one bitch that
 deserves to die.

 VERONICA
 Killing her won't solve anything.

 J.D.
 A well-timed lightning bolt through
 her window and Monday morning, all
 the other heathers, shit, everybody
 would be cast fucking adrift.

 VERONICA
 Well then, I'll pray for rain.

 J.D.
 See the condoms in the grass over
 there. We killed tonight, Veronica.
 We murdered our baby.

 VERONICA
 Hey, it was good for me too, Sparky.

 J.D.
 Just saying it's not hard to end a life.

 VERONICA
 There's a big difference between
 the most popular girl in the school
 and dead sperm.

 They laugh. VERONICA maneuvers herself into a sitting position.

 J.D.
 I guess I don't know what the hell
 I'm talking about.

 VERONICA
 I know exactly what the hell you're
 talking about and you're right, you
 don't know what the hell you're
 talking about. Let's just grow up,
 be adults, and die.

 J.D.
 Good plan.

 VERONICA
 But before that, I'd like to see
 Heather Chandler puke her guts out.

 INT. HEATHER CHANDLER'S BEDROOM--DAY

 HEATHER CHANDLER's bedroom is lushly and expensively furnished
 with a glass coffee table as an eye-catching centerpiece.
 HEATHER CHANDLER half-sleeps in twisted bedsheets as MRS.
 CHANDLER'S VOICE attacks through the door.

 MRS. CHANDLER (O.S.)
 We are leaving soon for your
 grandmother's. If you care to join us...

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Bag that.

 MRS. CHANDLER (O.S.)
 Is that a "No" in your lingo?

 HEATHER CHANDLER gives the voice behind the door "the finger."

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Lingo this.

 INT. THE CHANDLER KITCHEN--DAY

 The sound of a lock being jimmied is heard moments before
 VERONICA and J.D. burst through the door.

 VERONICA
 (quietly)
 Trust me. She skips the Saturday
 morning trip to Grandma's even
 when she's not hungover.

 J.D.
 Then let's just concoct ourselves a
 little hangover cure that'll induce
 her to spew red, white, and blue.

 VERONICA opens the refrigerator. J.D. opens the cupboard
 beneath the sink.

 VERONICA
 What about orange juice and milk?
 What's the upchuck factor on that?

Liquid Cleaner

 J.D. holds up a bottle of cleaning fluid.

 J.D.
 I'm a No Rust Build-up man, myself.

 VERONICA
 Don't be a dick. That stuff'll
 kill her.

 VERONICA and J.D. make queasy eye-contact. VERONICA descends
 back into the refrigerator with some worked-up enthusiasm as
 J.D. suavely pours bits of various toxic containers
 (detergent, scouring powder) into a glass beer mug.

 VERONICA
 O-kay. We'll cook up some soup and put
 it in a Coke. Sick, eh? Now should it
 be Chicken-Noodle or Bean-with-Bacon?

 J.D.
 Man Veronica, pull the plug on that
 shit. I say we go with Big Blue.

 J.D. raises the glass filled with what is now a strange blue
 liquid. VERONICA stares at the glass, scared by her own
 thoughts.

 VERONICA
 What are you doing? You just
 can't go.....Besides, she'd never
 drink anything that looks like that.

 J.D.
 Okay we'll use this. She won't be
 able to tell what she's drinking.

 J.D. pulls down a ceramic cup and triumphantly pours the
 poisonously blue beer glass contents into it. An eerie pause
 ensues. VERONICA takes out a milk carton and a container of
 orange juice. She struts back to the counter in anger, icily
 muttering.

 VERONICA
 Just give me a cup, jerk.

 J.D. sheepishly pulls down an identical ceramic cup. VERONICA
 tears it from him and pours some milk and then some orange
 juice into the cup.

 VERONICA
 Milk and orange juice. Hmmmm. Maybe
 we could cough a phlegm globber in
 it or something.

 J.D.
 Yeah, great.

 They both start coughing harshly.

 VERONICA
 No luck? Well, milk and orange juice'll
 do quite nicely. Quite nicely.

 J.D.
 Chick-en.

 VERONICA
 You're not funny.

 J.D. turns on his heel and slinks away. VERONICA glares down
 at the mess of toxic containers.

 With both arms, VERONICA clumps the toxic containers together
 and drops beneath the sink to put them away. J.D. swaggers
 back into the kitchen as VERONICA bobs back into view.

 J.D.
 I'm sorry.

 J.D. kisses the back of her neck. VERONICA closes her eyes
 with a grudging smile.

 VERONICA
 Bonehead.

 VERONICA dreamily reaches out to one of the two ceramic cups.

 Not the one with milk and orange juice in it.

 INT. HEATHER CHANDLER'S BEDROOM--DAY

 HEATHER CHANDLER angelically sleeps as VERONICA and J.D.
 enter.

 VERONICA
 Morning, Heather.

 Like a lion, HEATHER CHANDLER rouses herself up.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Veronica. And Jesse James. Quelle
 surprise. Hear about Veronica's
 affection for regurgitation?

 VERONICA
 We both said a lot of things we
 didn't mean, last night.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Did we? How the hell'd you get in here?

 J.D.
 Veronica knew you'd have a hangover.
 So I whipped this up. Family recipe.

 J.D. holds out the ceramic cup. HEATHER CHANDLER snorts.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Did you put a phlegm globber in it
 or something? I'm not drinking that piss.

 J.D.
 I knew this stuff would be too intense.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Intense? Grow up. You think I'll drink
 it just because you call me chicken.

 They do. They're right.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Just give me the cup, jerk.

 HEATHER CHANDLER rises from the bed and struts to J.D. in
 anger. She takes the cup, slams her head back and downs it
 all.

 She then launches her head forward, her face contorted in
 agony.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Corn nuts!

 HEATHER CHANDLER'S eyes slam shut and her limp body crashes
 through the glass coffee table. VERONICA and J.D. freeze.

 J.D.
 Something tells me you picked up
 the wrong cup.

 VERONICA
 No shit, sherlock. I can't believe
 it. I just killed my best friend.

 J.D.
 And your worst enemy.

 VERONICA
 Same difference. Oh jesus, I'm gonna...

 VERONICA staggers to a desk. J.D. laughs out of shock.

 J.D.
 What are we going to tell the cops?
 "Fuck it if she can't take a joke, Sarge."

 VERONICA
 Stop kidding around. The police....oh
 no, oh God....I can't believe this is
 my life..I'm going to have to send my
 S.A.T. scores to San Quentin instead
 of Stanford.

 J.D.
 I'm just a little freaked, all right?
 (a beat)
 You got what you wanted, you know.

 VERONICA
 Don't say that! It's one thing to
 want somebody out of your life. It's
 another thing to serve them a wake-up
 cup of Liquid Drainer....Don't say....

 VERONICA stares off as J.D. paces like a caged animal. He
 scopes onto the rubble of the shattered coffee table and sees
 Cliff Notes for The Bell Jar plus a magazine proclaiming
 "THE FALL OF THE AMERICAN TEEN" under HEATHER CHANDLER's body.

 J.D.
 We did a murder. In Ohio, that's a crime.
 But if this was like a suicide thing.....

 VERONICA
 Like a suicide thing?

 J.D.
 Adolescence is a period of life
 fraught with anxiety and confusion.

 VERONICA
 (calming down)
 I can do Heather's handwriting as
 well as my own.

 VERONICA takes some stationery from the desk and begins
 writing, calling out her words.

 VERONICA
 "You might think what I've done is
 shocking..."

 J.D.
 "To me though, suicide is the
 natural answer to the myriad
 of problems life has given me."

 VERONICA
 That's good, but Heather would
 never use the word "myriad."

 J.D.
 This is the last thing she'll ever
 write. She'll want to cash in on as
 many fifty-cent words as poss.

 VERONICA
 She missed "myriad" on a vocab
 test two weeks ago, all right?

 J.D.
 That only proves my point more. The word
 is a badge for her failures at school.

 VERONICA
 You're probably right..."People think
 just because you're beautiful and
 popular, life is easy and fun. Nobody
 understood I had feelings too."

 J.D.
 "I die knowing no one knew the real me."

 VERONICA
 That's good. Have you done this before?

 VERONICA's smile dies as she looks to HEATHER CHANDLER'S corpse.

 INT. SCHOOL CONFERENCE ROOM--DAY

 At the head of a long conference table is the bearlike
 PRINCIPAL GOWAN. Circling the table is the gray-haired but
 savvy MRS. POPE, the yuppie black counselor PAUL HYDE, TWO
 large DISCIPLINARIAN-TYPES, and most noticeably, the
 eccentrically dressed MS. PAULINE FLEMING. Coats are in chairs
 and cigarette smoke is in the air, as the group batters their
 way through a morning mourning conference.

 PRINCIPAL GOWAN
 Any other Principal would take the same
 position. Keep things business as usual.

 COUNSELOR HYDE
 Heather Chandler's not your everyday
 suicide. She was very popular.

 PRINCIPAL GOWAN
 Come on Paul, I let the kids go before
 lunch and the switchboard'll light up
 like a Christmas Tree.

 COUNSELOR HYDE
 The parents will be sympathetic, sir.
 These are troubled times for the young.

 MRS. POPE
 I must say I was impressed to see
 that she made proper use of the word
 "myriad" in her suicide note after
 brutalizing it in a vocabulary test.

 PAULINE
 (dramatically cutting in)
 I find it profoundly disturbing that
 we are told of a tragic destruction
 of youth and all we can talk about
 is adequate mourning times and
 misused vocabulary words.

 A collective sigh goes across the room.

 PRINCIPAL GOWAN
 Oh Christ.

 PAULINE
 The school, meaning both students
 and teachers, must revel in this
 revealing moment. I suggest we get
 everyone into the cafeteria and
 just talk. And feel. Together.

 PRINCIPAL GOWAN
 Thank you, Ms. Fleming. Call me
 when the shuttle lands...Now is
 this Heather the cheerleader?

 COUNSELOR HYDE
 That would be Heather Mcnamara.

 PRINCIPAL GOWAN
 Damn. I'd be willing to go half a
 day for a cheerleader.

 MRS. POPE
 Let's just pack it in an hour early.

 PRINCIPAL GOWAN
 Done. I hate Mondays.

 INT. PAULINE FLEMING'S CLASSROOM--DAY

 The desks of the classroom have been maneuvered into an
 amusingly chaotic position by PAULINE'S PUPILS. She is
 furious.

 PAULINE
 I said a circle you imbeciles! Forget
 it! Just sit down. I'm just so thrilled
 to be given an example of everything
 I've taught you. That example is
 Heather Chandler. I have the note!

 PAULINE melodramatically lifts the suicide note. The class AAAHS.

 MALE STUDENT
 Awright!

 PAULINE
 I'll pass the suicide note around
 the room so you can feel its tragic
 beauty for yourself. Let us share
 together the feelings the suicide has
 spurred in us all. Who wants to begin?

 FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JAKET
 I heard it was really gnarly. She sucked
 down a bowl of multi-purpose deodorizing
 disinfectant then she smashed....

 PAULINE
 Now, now, we're not here to rehash
 the coroner's report. Let's talk emotions.

 ALL-OUT NERD
 Are we going to be tested on this?

 A stunned PAULINE glares until preppie PETER DAWSON speaks.
 The note continues to be breathlessly passed around.

 PETER
 Heather and I used to go together,
 but she said I was boring. I realize
 now I wasn't really boring. She was
 just dissatisfied with her life.

 PAULINE
 That's very good Peter.

 VERONICA lets out a laugh that she disguises as a sob by
 putting her hands over her face.

 PAULINE
 Dear Veronica, Heather was your
 soulmate.....Share.

 VERONICA
 Heather was cool, but cruel. The good
 looks and bad manners gave her power,
 but it could not give her happiness.

 The class stares to VERONICA as the suicide note is passed to
 her. She acknowledges it in horror, passes it on, then
 continues, realizing her ability to create truths for a
 captive audience.

 VERONICA
 She realized the only way she could
 be happy was to give up her power and
 the only way she could do that was Death.

 PAULINE cries. The PUPILS applaud. VERONICA queasily smiles.

 INT. THE GIRLS LOCKER ROOM--DAY

 The GIRLS are finishing up putting on their clothes.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Oh God, it's so unfair. It's just so
 unfair! We should get a whole week
 off not just an hour.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Write the School Board.

 HEATHER DUKE gnaws on a chicken leg as she speaks.

 VERONICA
 Watch it, Heather. You could actually
 be digesting food.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Yeah, where's your urge to purge?

 HEATHER DUKE
 (belching)
 Fuck it.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA pulls a Swatch from one of the lockers.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Look, heather left behind one of her
 Swatches. She'd want you to have it,
 Veronica. She always said you couldn't
 accessorize for shit.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA tosses the watch to a spooked VERONICA who
 stands up and solemnly puts it on. The FEMALE STONER IN ARMY
 JACKET stops next to their bench.

 FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET
 I'm sorry about your friend. I thought
 she was your usual airhead bitch.
 Guess I was wrong. Lot of us were.

 HEATHER DUKE bobs up from the world's largest sno-cone.

 HEATHER DUKE
 What a waste.

 VERONICA zombiesquely moves into the shower area.

 HEATHER DUKE (V.O.)
 Oh the Humanity.

 INT. THE SHOWER--DAY

 VERONICA turns on a shower and lets the water spray against
 her clothes.

 INT. THE LOCKER ROOM--DAY

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Veronica, what are you doing?

 SQUEALING GIRL (O.S.)
 Everyone in the shower!

 TWO GIGGLING GIRLS run into the shower fully clothed. THREE
 OTHERS follow suit. The HEATHERS look to each other, laugh,
 and run in.

 INT. THE GIRLS' COACH'S LOCKER ROOM OFFICE--DAY

 Heavy Metalers MATT, CLYDE, and STEVE plus Geek RODNEY sneak
 into a darkened room. Girls' laughter drifts in.

 MATT
 Do I deliver or do I deliver?

 RODNEY
 Hurry up, we're going to get caught.

 MATT
 Mellow out Geek. Man, I never
 should have brought you.

 CLYDE
 Let's see some pussy!

 MATT pulls a curtain revealing a semi-overhead view of the
 showering and clothed GIRLS.

 INT. THE SHOWER--DAY

 The GIRLS splash and spin in balletlike slow motion. VERONICA
 stands facing the viewer, the Swatch noticeably attached.

 INT. THE GIRLS' COACH'S LOCKER ROOM OFFICE--DAY

 Cautiously quiet pandemonium.

 MATT
 Does this have something to do with
 menstrual cramps and shit?

 CLYDE
 (dazed)
 What the fuck?

 RODNEY
 We're on Candid Camera, dudes. I
 can feel it.

 CLYDE
 What the fuck?

 EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL--DAY

 Pulling their coats over their wet clothes, VERONICA and the
 HEATHERS come out of the school.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 That was seriously warped, Veronica.

 VERONICA
 Uh-huh.

 HEATHER DUKE
 T.V. cameras!

 In the distance, a T.V. CAMERA CREW is interviewing STUDENTS.
 HEATHER DUKE dashes toward them. HEATHER MCNAMARA freezes.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Oh God, Veronica. My hair! My clothes!

 HEATHER MCNAMARA moans, vibrates, then suddenly races toward
 the cameras. VERONICA looks down at the soaked, stopped Swatch
 on her arm. She takes it off and drops it in a neaby trashcan.

 INT. THE DEAN LIVING ROOM--LATE AFTERNOON

 A massive T.V. set shows the image of HEATHER DUKE posed by a
 tree, talking into a microphone.

 HEATHER DUKE (T.V.)
 I choose to remember the good times.
 Like when we got our ears pierced
 at the mall.

 The image of HEATHER MCNAMARA sitting in the grass talking
 into a microphone supersedes HEATHER DUKE's.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA (T.V.)
 I can still hear those late night
 talks on the phone.

 The image of PETER DAWSON sitting on a rock comes on next.

 PETER (T.V.)
 The day I won her that stuffed rhino
 at the 4-H Fair, she said to me....

 VERONICA (O.S.)
 You're an asshole! Mute him!

 VERONICA and J.D. are seen to be crashed on a couch. J.D.
 pushes a button on the remote control, cutting the sound.

 J.D.
 Mute!

 VERONICA
 Next channel, darling.

 The silent image of HEATHER DUKE on a staircase talking into a
 microphone is on the screen.

 VERONICA (O.S.)
 Heather, how many networks did
 you run to!

 Country Club Courtney appears wearing a T-shirt reading BIGFUN.
 VERONICA takes the remote and turns the sound on.

 VERONICA
 Oh, I have to hear this.

 COURTNEY (T.V.)
 In my heart, Heather's still alive.

 VERONICA
 (muting Courtney)
 What are you talking about? She
 hated you! You hated her!
 (to J.D.)
 What are you smiling at?

 J.D.
 Heather Chandler is more popular
 than ever now.

 VERONICA
 Yeah. Scary stuff.

 J.D. suddenly looks away from VERONICA with a mischievous
 half-smile. He inexplicably calls out.

 J.D.
 Why son, I didn't hear you come in.

 J.D.'s father BIG BUD DEAN, stands before them, handsome and
 threatening in a shirt and tie. He is rather malevolently
 holding a rowing machine.

 BIG BUD DEAN
 Hey Dad, how was work today?

 BIG BUD slams down his rowing machine and straddles it before
 answering his own question. He rows as he speaks. The Brady
 Bunch sputters on the T.V. screen before him.

 BIG BUD DEAN
 It was miserable. Some damn tribe of
 withered old bitches doesn't want us
 to terminate that fleabag hotel. All
 because Glenn Miller and his band once
 took a shit there. It's just like
 Kansas. Do you remember fucking Kansas?

 J.D.
 That was the one with wheat right?

 BIG BUD DEAN
 The Save the Memorial Oak Tree
 Society. Showed those fucks.

 J.D. turns to VERONICA with a bemused smile.

 J.D.
 Thirty Fourth of July fireworks
 attached to the trunk. Arraigned
 but Acquitted.

 BIG BUD DEAN
 Fucking Kansas. Gosh Pop, I almost
 forgot to introduce my girlfriend.

 J.D.
 Veronica, Dad. Dad, Veronica.

 VERONICA
 Hello.

 VERONICA, with a forced smile, reaches to shaked BUD's hand.
 He extends his hand but makes no effort to stop rowing
 hence his hand pulls away from VERONICA. Pop and son laugh.

 J.D.
 Jason, why don't you ask your
 little friend to stay for dinner.

 VERONICA
 (awkwardly standing)
 My Mom's making my favorite meal
 tonight. Spaghetti. Lots of oregano.

 J.D.
 Nice. The last time I saw my Mom,
 she was waving out the window of a
 library in Texas. Right, Dad?

 BIG BUD DEAN stops rowing to grin a You-Think-You're-
 Tougher-Than-Me-But-You're-Not smile to J.D.

 BIG BUD DEAD
 Right, son.

 VERONICA
 (weakly)
 Right.

 EXT. THE SAWYER PATIO--DUSK

 Just as in the earlier patio scene, DAD and MOM SAWYER are
 seated at a patio table with an empty chair between them. Pate
 is on the table. DAD smokes a cigarette.

 DAD
 Take a break Veronica, sit down.

 VERONICA walks into view and sits down.

 VERONICA
 All right.

 DAD
 So what was the first day after
 Heather's suicide like?

 VERONICA
 I don't know, it was okay, I guess.

 MOM
 Terrible thing. So will we get to
 meet this dark horse prom contender?

 VERONICA
 Maybe.

 DAD
 (looking at his cigarette)
 Goddamn. Will somebody please tell
 me why I smoke these damn things?

 VERONICA
 (smiling)
 Because you're an idiot.

 DAD
 Oh yeah, that's it.

 DAD immediately takes another drag with a wide grin.

 MOM
 (shaking her head)
 You two....

 VERONICA
 Greate pate, but I'm going to have
 to motor if I want to be ready for
 the funeral tomorrow.

 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM--DAY

 A montage commences showing the HEATHERS preparing for the
 funeral. HEATHER MCNAMARA models an all-black outfit in front
 of a dressing table mirror. She storms away, pouting.

 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM--DAY

 Bobbing up from a fashion magazine whose cover story is
 FUNERAL CHIC, HEATHER DUKE finishes applying black lipstick. A
 look of horror passes over her face and she savagely scrubs
 her lips.

 INT. CHURCH--DAY

 A MORTICIAN puts the finishing touches on HEATHER CHANDLER,
 smoothing out her clothes and buffing her face. He gently
 kisses her forehead then quickly rebuffs the spot.

 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM--DAY

 HEATHER MCNAMARA models another black outfit. She responds
 this time with a satisfied smile.

 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM--DAY

 Traditionally made up, a smiling HEATHER DUKE brings a
 crucifix earring to her ear and attaches it.

 INT. CHURCH--DAY

 HEATHER CHANDLER serenely lies in a coffin as FATHER RIPPER
 bellows off-screen. A panorama of ADULTS and STUDENTS is
 revealed at this more social than spiritual event. VERONICA
 and J.D. watch from the back pew.

 FATHER RIPPER (O.S.)
 I blame not Heather but rather a
 society that tells its youth that
 the answers are on the MTV video
 games. We must pray the other
 teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know
 the name of that "righteous dude"
 who can solve their problems....

 The bald FATHER RIPPER finally comes into view.

 FATHER RIPPER
 (cont'd)
 It's Jesus Christ and he's in the book.

 KNEELING PODIUM BEFORE COFFIN--LATER

 BETTY FINN is kneeling before HEATHER CHANDLER'S open coffin.
 The viewer hears what she is thinking.

 BETTY (V.O.)
 May Heather Chandler rest in peace
 even though she committed suicide.
 For-the-kingdom-the-power-and-the-
 glory-are-yours-now-and-forever-Amen.

 BETTY FINN makes the sign of the cross, rises, and exits.
 HEATHER MCNAMARA takes her place on the kneeling podium.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA (V.O.)
 Oh God, this is a tragic thing and
 sometimes I have a hard time dealing
 with it and stuff. Please send Heather
 to heaven and all that. Thanks. I
 mean, Amen.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA exits and PETER DAWSON moves in her place.

 PETER (V.O.)
 Dear God, make sure this never
 happens to me. I do not think I
 could handle suicide and that's
 the God's honest truth. Pardon
 the pun. Fast-early-acceptance-
 into-an-Ivy-League-school-and-
 please-let-it-be-Harvard. Amen.

 PETER flees and RAM uncomfortably takes his place.

 RAM (V.O.)
 Jesus God in heaven, uh, why did
 you kill such hot snatch. That's
 a joke, man. People are so serious.
 (a beat)
 Hail Mary, who aren't in heaven,
 pray for us sinners....so we don't
 get caught. Another joke, man.

 RAM clumsily exits. HEATHER DUKE solemnly kneels in his place.

 HEATHER DUKE (V.O.)
 I prayed for the death of Heather
 Chandler many times and I felt bad
 every time I did, but I kept doing
 it anyway. Now I know you understood
 everything. Praise Jesus. Alleluia.

 HEATHER DUKE departs and VERONICA kneels in her place.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 Hi. I'm sorry. Technically I didn't
 kill Heather Chandler but hey, who
 am I trying to kid, right? I just
 want my high school to be a nice
 place. Amen. Did that sound bitchy?

 CHURCH LOBBY

 HEATHER MCNAMARA dips a big comb in the holy water basin and
 then combs out her hair. VERONICA breezes by.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Veronica. What are you doing tonight?

 VERONICA
 Mourning. Maybe watch some T.V. Why?

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Ram asked me out, but he wants to
 double with Kurt and Kurt doesn't
 have a date.

 VERONICA
 Heather, I've got something
 going with J.D.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Please Veronica. Put Billy the Kid on
 hold tonight, I'll never forget it.

 EXT. CHURCH PARKING LOT--DAY

 KURT KELLY and RAM stand by RAM'S van.

 KURT
 We on tonight, man?

 RAM
 I still got to talk to Heather,
 dude. Weird funeral, huh?

 KURT
 Pretty weird.

 Geeks RODNEY and BRACES thrust by KURT and RAM. BRACES
 obliviously steps on KURT's foot.

 KURT
 That pudwapper just stepped on my foot.

 RAM
 Let's kick his ass.

 KURT
 Cool off, we're seniors.

 RAM
 Goddamn Geek!

 BRACES gives them "the finger".

 BRACES
 (awkwardly defiant)
 Sit and spin.

 KURT and RAM turn to each other more amused than angered.

 KURT
 That little prick.

 The bolting Jocks effortlessly catch BRACES and put him into a
 hunched-over position. The other Geeks look on, ashamed.

 KURT
 All right you piece of shit fag,
 do you like to suck big dicks?

 BRACES
 Cut it out!

 RAM pushes BRACES down harder.

 KURT
 Say it man. Say I like to suck big dicks.

 RODNEY
 Leave him alone, Kurt.

 J.D. rides by on his motorcycle. He turns to watch KURT,
 wearing an overwhelmingly tinted motorcycle helmet that reads
 THE TRUE KILLER across the top. KURT is spooked.

 RAM (O.S.)
 Say it!

 BRACES
 Okay, okay, you like to suck big dicks.

 Unamused, RAM throws BRACES to the ground. BRACES semi-cries.

 BRACES
 I like to suck big dicks. Mmm-mm!
 I can't get enough of them. Satisfied?

 KURT
 I'm sure your friends are happy
 to hear that.
 (with a lisp)
 Right, guys?

 

 

 ANOTHER PLACE IN THE PARKING LOT

 VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA sashay through the parking lot.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Don't worry, Ram's been so sweet
 lately, consoling me and stuff.
 It'll be really very. Promise.

 Moving into the background, BRACES wipes dirt and blood off
 his face as his friends glumly watch on.

 VERONICA
 All right, but I hope it isn't
 going to be one of those nights where
 they get shitfaced and take us to a
 pasture to tip cows.

 EXT. COW PASTURE--NIGHT

 A COW stands sleeping. Giggling and drunk, KURT and RAM
 scramble around the COW. Uncomfortable and sober, VERONICA and
 HEATHER MCNAMARA look on.

 KURT
 Is it sleeping, dude?

 RAM
 I think so, man.

 KURT
 Then get over on my side. Oh shit,
 cowtipping is the fucking greatest.

 RAM
 Punch it in!

 KURT and RAM slam their knuckles and then lean against the
 COW, poised to shove. HEATHER MCNAMARA manages a smile but
 VERONICA glares it away.

 KURT
 Count of three, guy.

 KURT AND RAM
 One. Two. Three!

 An O.S. Moo and the Jocks' laughter is heard as mud splashes
 against the mortified faces of VERONICA and HEATHER MCNAMARA.

 DEEPER IN THE PASTURE--LATER IN THE NIGHT

 KURT stumbles after a more annoyed than scared VERONICA.

 KURT
 "When I get that feeling, I need
 sexual healing....."

 VERONICA
 Yeah, right, asshole.

 VERONICA makes her way up a hill, pausing to compassionately
 stare at RAM on top of a dispirited HEATHER MCNAMARA. KURT's
 intoxicated brain has trouble dealing with the incline.
 Majestically, J.D. appears at the top of the hill. KURT
 squints up the hill and falls over backwards.

 J.D.
 What is this shit?

 VERONICA
 I'm doing a favor for Heather. A double date. I
 tried to tell you at the funeral but you rode off.

 KURT
 (still face down)
 "Feel like making bah da dah bah da
 dah, feel like making love."

 J.D.
 Another fucking Heather.
 (harshly laughs)
 I'm sorry. I'm feeling kind of superior
 tonight. Seven high schools in seven
 states and the only thing different
 was my locker combination. We've broke
 through the peer pressure cooker. So
 what if we had to kill Miss Popularity..

 VERONICA clumsily high heels it up the hill.

 VERONICA
 So what? Don't smile like that, Jesus!

 J.D.
 Our love is God. Let's get a Slurpee.

 J.D. solemnly reaches toward VERONICA. She, less solemn,
 takes his hand. Their bodies disappear over the hill.

 KURT
 "And she's buying the stairway to heaven.."

 INT. NEWSPAPER/YEARBOOK WORKSHOP--DAY

 In a cluttered school workshop, Editor DENNIS and YEARBOOK GIRL
 ALISON confer over a layout sheet. Alison wears a walkman and
 BIG FUN T-shirt. PETER DAWSON pouts behind them.

 DENNIS
 I'm not belittling the Foodless Fund,
 Peter, but we're talking teen suicide!
 Ask Alison here, the number one song
 right now is "Teenage Suicide (Don't Do
 It)" by BigFun. Jesus man, Westerburg
 finally got one of these things and I'm
 not going to blow it.

 PETER
 Great. Heather gets the headline and I
 get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.

 VERONICA breezes in.

 VERONICA
 Hi Guys. I came to check on this
 week's lunchtime poll topic.

 DENNIS
 Don't worry about it, Veronica,
 sit down. That funeral yesterday
 must have been really rough.

 VERONICA
 Oh. Sure.

 DENNIS
 We were, uh, wondering if maybe you
 had some poems or artwork that
 Heather did that we could put in
 the Heather Chandler yearbook spread?

 VERONICA
 The what?

 DENNIS
 Take a look. We'll have a two page
 layout with her suicide note up
 here in the right hand corner. It's
 more tasteful than it sounds.

 Country Club COURTNEY and COURTNEY'S FRIEND come in giggling
 and whispering. Seeing VERONICA, they stop dead, then slide
 into chairs, laughing softly.

 VERONICA
 I don't know. This thing leaves a
 bad taste in my mouth.

 COURTNEY
 Like last night, Veronica?

 COURTNEY and COURTNEY'S FRIEND explode in laughter.

 VERONICA
 I'm sorry? I don't get it.

 COURTNEY
 You did last night. Kurt told us of
 your little date.

 VERONICA
 Yeah. And? I left him drunk and
 flailing in cowshit.

 COURTNEY
 I don't know. He was really detailed.

 PETER
 Shut up, Courtney.

 VERONICA
 Don't shut up. I'd like to know just
 what I did.

 PETER
 (gesturing to the door)
 Let me show you that lunchtime
 poll topic, Veronica.

 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE WORKSHOP--DAY

 PETER tells VERONICA.

 PETER
 I rarely listen to Neanderthals like
 Kurt Kelly bu-ut he said you were
 bent over like a coffee table with
 Kurt going in one end and Ram coming
 in the other. Pardon the pun.

 VERONICA
 (dazed)
 Pardon the pun. Son-of-a-bitch.

 Dizzy, VERONICA hands a clump of dollar bills to PETER.

 VERONICA
 Thanks Pete, for the Foodless Fund.

 PETER cheerfully pockets the cash as VERONICA drifts off.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 VERONICA arousingly speaks into her phone.

 VERONICA
 Hi, Kurt? This is Veronica Sawyer. I
 didn't expect to be calling either. I
 guess my emotions took over. I was
 wondering if you wanted all those
 things you've been saying to really
 happen. It's always been a fantasy of
 mine to have two guys at once......
 Sure, you can write Penthouse Forum.

 Revealed to be lounging on her bed, J.D. laughs out loud.
 VERONICA throws a book at him.

 VERONICA
 That's right. In the woods behind the
 school. At Dawn. And don't forget Ram.

 INT. THE KELLY KITCHEN--NIGHT

 KURT hangs up with an amazed expression on his face.

 KURT
 Women.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 VERONICA and J.D. load guns on VERONICA's bed. VERONICA breaks
 into a laugh.

 VERONICA
 I don't get the point of me writing
 a suicide note when we'll just be
 shooting them with blanks.

 J.D.
 Get crucial. We won't be using
 blanks this time.

 VERONICA
 You can't be serious? Hey listen,
 my Bonnie-and-Clyde days are over.

 VERONICA drops her gun in revulsion and launches off her bed.
 With a patient smile, J.D. pulls her back down.

 J.D.
 Do you take German?

 VERONICA
 French.

 J.D. flicks open his gun and pulls a bullet from the chamber.

 J.D.
 These are Ich Luge bullets. My
 grandfather snared a shitload of
 them in W.W. Two. They're like
 tranquilizers only they break the
 surface of the skin, enough to
 cause blood, but not any real harm.

 VERONICA
 So it looks like the person's been
 shot and killed when they're really
 just unconscious and bleeding.

 J.D. nods then stands to pace the room, his mind whirring.

 J.D.
 We shoot Kurt and Ram. Make it look
 like they shot each other. By the time
 Kurt and Ram regain consciousness,
 they'll be the laughingstock's of the
 school. The note's the punchline.
 How'd it turn out?

 VERONICA clumsily extracts the note from her purse. She also
 plucks out the crumpled yellow sample of Kurt's handwriting of
 the opening note-forge scene. She proudly displays both
 papers.

 VERONICA
 First tell me this similarity is
 not incredible.

 J.D.
 (warmly)
 Incredible similarity.

 VERONICA pulls back the note and reads.

 VERONICA
 Ram and I died the day we realized
 we could never reveal our forbidden
 love to an uncaring and ununderstanding
 world. The joy we shared in each other's
 arms was greater than any touchdown. Yet
 we were forced to live the lie of Sexist-
 Beer Guzzling-Jock-Asshole.

 J.D.
 Exquisite, but I don't think
 ununderstanding is a word.

 VERONICA
 We don't want to make them out to be
 too secretly eloquent. Why would the
 Germans invent a bullet that doesn't
 kill people? I mean it was World War
 Two, not a school play.

 J.D.
 (rapid-fire)
 They used them on themselves to
 make it look like they were dead.
 Really quite a brilliant device, but
 too flamboyant to seriously produce.

 VERONICA
 Neat. Let's try it out on J.F.K.

 VERONICA swiftly picks up her gun and aims it at the lovable
 tabby entering the room. J.D. rips it away from her.

 J.D.
 It doesn't work on small animals!

 VERONICA
 Oh.

 J.D.
 Uh well hey, let's take a look at the
 homosexual artifacts I dug up to plant
 at the scene. Now prepare to be a
 little disappointed.

 J.D. lifts up a feminine shopping bag and gently dumps the
 contents on the bed.

 J.D.
 We've got an issue of Stud Puppy, a
 candy dish, a Joan Crawford post card,
 and some mascara.

 VERONICA
 You must have had fun.

 J.D.
 You know it. Oh man, I almost forgot.
 The one perfecto thing I picked up...

 J.D. reaches in both his coat pockets and triumphantly raises
 out two bottles of Perrier water.

 J.D.
 Perrier water!

 VERONICA
 Oh come on. Lots of people drink
 Perrier. It's come a long way.

 J.D.
 This is Ohio. If you don't have a
 brewsky in your hand you might as
 well be wearing a dress.

 VERONICA
 (mock-seductively)
 Oh, you're so smart. How about a
 little heterosexuality before we go?

 J.D. laughs then climbs onto VERONICA for a hugging kiss.

 EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT--DAWN

 A tense KURT and an excited RAM, playing air guitar, walk
 through the misty parking lot toward the woods.

 RAM
 (singing)
 Sex and Drugs and HBO is all I ever
 need! Whoa! Can you hear me! Hello
 Tokyo! I said Sex and Drugs and...

 KURT
 Shut the fuck up, all right.

 RAM
 Lighten up, dude. In those woods is
 some of the finest pussy in the school
 and we don't even have to buy it a
 hamburger and a Diet Coke. What a way
 to start the day! Punch it in!

 KURT feebly slams knuckles with RAM.

 EXT. CLEARING IN THE WOODS--DAWN

 VEONICA stands in the middle of a clearing in the woods. She
 nervously tucks the gun in the back of her dress as KURT and
 RAM emerge into the clearing from a path in the woods.

 KURT
 Hi Veronica.

 VERONICA
 (forced cheerfulness)
 Hi Guys. Glad you could make it.

 RAM smacks his hands together.

 RAM
 So do we just start fucking?

 VERONICA
 I've made a circle on each end of
 the clearing. Ram, you come over here.

 KURT steps into the scratched-in-the-dirt circle next to him.
 A confused RAM walks past VERONICA and steps into a circle at
 the opposite end of the foggy clearing.

 VERONICA

 The guys pause, then slowly start taking off their clothes.

 RAM
 What about you?

 VERONICA
 I was hoping you'd rip my clothes
 off me, sport.

 RAM
 Oh. Good idea.

 KURT and RAM awkwardly stand at opposite ends in their undies.

 VERONICA
 Count of three, guys.

 RAM giggles in anticipation.

 VERONICA
 One.

 KURT finally cracks a smile.

 VERONICA
 Two.

 J.D. suddenly moves next to VERONICA holding a gun in his
 right hand and the feminine shopping bag in his left.

 J.D.
 Three.

 J.D. almost non-chalantly shoots RAM in the forehead. VERONICA
 rips out her gun and swings it toward KURT. Using both hands,
 she fires, but misses completely. KURT runs away onto the
 path. VERONICA throws down her gun with a smile.

 VERONICA
 Shucks.

 J.D. races to VERONICA in a white sweat.

 J.D.
 Did you miss him completely?

 VERONICA
 (giggling)
 Yeah, but don't worry, it was worth
 it just to see the look on....

 J.D.
 Don't move! I'll get him back!

 VERONICA's laughter cuts off like a faucet. Suddenly trembling
 and confused, she watches J.D. bolt into the woods.

 THE PATH

 A panicked KURT runs on the path through the woods.

 OFF THE PATH

 J.D., with a cold efficiency, weaves through trees and fog.

 THE CLEARING

 VERONICA turns toward Ram's collapsed body.

 THE PATH

 KURT sees the opening at the end of the woods. J.D. suddenly
 moves into the opening and raises his gun. KURT runs back...

 THE CLEARING

 VERONICA approaches Ram's body with increasing shivers. He
 does not look bleeding and unconscious. He looks bleeding and
 dead, dead, dead.

 KURT barrels into the clearing as J.D. howls from the woods.

 J.D.
 Now!

 In a burst of frightened, animal instinct, VERONICA whips
 around and fires her gun right into KURT's chest.

 INT. SQUAD CAR IN SCHOOL PARKING LOT--DAWN

 Two cops, MILNER and McCORD, smoke marijuana in a squad car
 already filled with smoke. After a coughing fit, MILNER
 shouts.

 MILNER
 I heard it that time!

 McCORD
 Wha?

 MILNER
 Another gunshot! From the woods!

 McCORD
 Shit, let's roll.

 The two officer explode out of the car.

 EXT. THE CLEARING--DAWN

 J.D. puts his gun in RAM's right hand while VERONICA
 zombiesquely does the same with KURT and her gun.

 VERONICA
 Kurt doesn't look too good.

 J.D.
 Remember he's left-handed.

 A quivering VERONICA puts the gun in KURT's left hand.

 MILNER (O.S.)
 Keep going until you hit the clearing!

 J.D.'s head snaps forward. He yanks up VERONICA. They both run
 into the woods behind RAM's body as the two Cops charge into the
 clearing, guns raised. Seeing the Jocks, they stop.

 McCORD
 Mother of Shit!

 MILNER
 Call in!

 MILNER looks toward where VERONICA and J.D. ran out.

 MILNER
 I heard something out there. I'm
 checking it out.

 MILNER runs off as McCORD shouts into a walkie-talkie. He is
 holding the pulse of KURT KELLY.

 McCORD
 This is Officer McCord and I've got
 two dead bodies in the woods behind
 Westerburg High. Oh my God, one of
 them's Kurt Kelly, the quarterback.

 EXT. IN THE WOODS--DAWN

 VERONICA and J.D. flow through thick trees. An Owl hoos.

 EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE WOODS--DAWN

 MILNER blindly barrels through the dense, foggy woods.

 EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE WOODS--DAWN

 VERONICA and J.D. come out of the woods and race up a dew
 drenched hill toward VERONICA's car which is parked on top.

 J.D.
 Faster!

 EXT. IN THE WOODS--DAWN

 MILNER is jolted by an OWL-HOO, then continues moving.

 EXT. THE HILL--DAWN

 VERONICA and J.D. reach the car, panting.

 MILNER races out of the woods just as VERONICA and J.D. slam
 the car doors closed behind them. MILNER huffs up the hill.

 INT. THE SAWYER CAR--DAWN

 VERONICA and J.D. somersault into the backseat and begin
 taking off their clothes.

 EXT. THE HILL--DAWN

 MILNER continues to move up the hill.

 INT. THE SAWYER CAR--DAWN

 VERONICA and J.D., stripped down to their underwear, embrace.

 EXT. OUTSIDE THE CAR--DAWN

 MILNER approaches the car and peers in. His crackling walkie-
 talkie startles him.

 McCORD (O.S./walkie-talkie)
 Milner, can you hear me? What's going down?

 MILNER moves away from the car, then speaks into his walkie-
 talkie.

 MILNER
 Think what I heard was just a
 stinking owl. All I got is two kids
 making out in the backseat of a
 car. Should I pry them apart?

 McCORD (O.S./walkie-talkie)
 Forget it. I got all the answers
 back here, partner. Boy, kids today
 sure start in early. Hey, are they naked?

 MILNER sighs, and clicks off his walkie-talkie.

 INT. THE SAWYER CAR--DAWN

 Seeing the cop move away. VERONICA and J.D. stop kissing. They
 catch their breath, smile, then continue passionately necking.

 EXT. THE CLEARING--DAWN

 MILNER runs back into the clearing.

 MILNER
 What's the deal?

 McCORD
 Suicide. Double Suicide. They shot
 each other.

 MILNER
 That's Kurt Kelly!

 McCORD
 Yeah, and the linebacker, Ram Sweeney.

 MILNER
 Oh my God, suicide? Why?

 McCORD
 Does this answer your question?

 McCORD reaches in the feminine shopping bag and pulls out the
 bottles of Perrier water.

 MILNER
 Oh man, they were fags!

 McCORD
 Listen up, "We could never reveal our
 forbidden love to an uncaring and
 ununderstanding world."

 MILNER
 Ah Jesus H. Fuck. Kurt was a Sherwood
 Sunday Insert Honorable Mention...

 MILNER shakes his head slowly then suddenly looks up.

 MILNER
 Wait a second. How did they shoot
 each other if we heard two separate
 sets of gunshots?

 McCORD
 I always hear gunshots when I'm high
 before noon. Life's a crazy bitch.
 Don't try to analyze it. The quarterback
 buggering the linebacker. What a waste.

 MILNER
 Oh the humanity.

 INT. SCHOOL CONFERENCE ROOM--MORNING

 Another morning mourning conference. The participants look a
 little more frazzled. PAULINE sits at the head of the table.

 COUNSELOR HYDE
 (sotto voce to Mrs. Pope)
 After every touchdown or whatever,
 they give each other a little slap
 on the bottom. It seems innocent...

 PAULINE (O.S.)
 Shut up.

 The elderly MRS. POPE shakes her head at the suicide note.

 MRS. POPE
 Look at this. "Ununderstanding."

 PAULINE
 Will you shut up! We were in a
 similar position Monday and I
 thoughtfully suggested that we get
 the students together for an
 unadulterated emotional outpouring.
 You took the suggestion as an
 opportunity to play yet another round
 of "Let's laugh at the Hippie."

 COUNSELOR HYDE
 Pauline, if you want a tryout
 for the school play....

 PRINCIPAL GOWAN hoarsely breaks in.

 PRINCIPAL GOWAN
 Shut up, Paul. I've seen a lot of
 bullshit--angel dust, switchblades,
 sexually perverse photography
 exhibits involving tennis racquets,
 but this suicide thing....I guess
 it's all on Pauline's wavelength.
 We're just going to write off today,
 and Friday she can do her little
 little love-in or whatever. Whatever.

 EXT. STUDENT PARKING LOT--MORNING

 VERONICA's car is the lone vehicle in the student parking lot.
 Slowly other cars begin to filter in, including a rumbling heap-
 ful of Heavy Metalers.

 INT. THE SAWYER CAR--MORNING

 The Heavy Metaler Heap's obnoxious muffler causes a sleeping
 VERONICA's eyes to snap open in bug-eyed sweat. Mentally
 wounded, she climbs into the front seat, pulling on her
 blazer. She presses in the car cigarette lighter. J.D.
 rumbles from the back as more cars begin to fill the lot.

 VERONICA
 We killed them, didn't we?

 J.D.
 Of course.

 VERONICA tugs out the car lighter and savagely brands the palm
 of her hand. J.D. hurdles into the front seat and bats the
 lighter away. He lights a cigarette off the scorched flesh of
 VERONICA's hand as she wails away.

 VERONICA
 Ich Luge bullets! I'm an idiot!

 J.D. drags on his cigarette. School buses are pulling in
 outside of the parking lot, in front of the school.

 J.D.
 You believed it because you wanted
 to believe it. Your true feelings were
 too gross and icky for you to face.

 VERONICA
 I did not want them dead.

 J.D.
 Did too.

 VERONICA
 Did not.

 J.D.
 Did too.

 VERONICA
 Did not.

 J.D. launches into a rapid-fire rendition of "did-too's".
 VERONICA responds by holding her hands over her ears and
 singing "Mary had a Little Lamb." J.D.'s "Did-too's" get
 louder causing VERONICA to bang on the horn.

 EXT. PARKING LOT--DAY

 HEATHER DUKE and a vegged out HEATHER MCNAMARA stop sauntering
 through the parking lot to contemplate Veronica's hiccuping
 car and its sparring occupants.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Ah, young love.

 COURTNEY bounds up to the Heathers.

 SQUEELING GIRL #1
 Did you hear? School's cancelled today
 because Kurt and Ram killed themselves in
 a repressed homosexual suicide pact.

 HEATHER DUKE
 (incredulous, but amused)
 No way!

 INT. THE SAWYER CAR--DAY

 J.D. pulls VERONICA off the horn and warmly places an unlit
 cigarette in her mouth. As he speaks, VERONICA wearily takes
 the cigarette from her mouth and puts it in her blazer pocket.

 J.D.
 Football season's over, Veronica. Kurt
 and Ram had nothing to offer the school
 but date-rapes and A.I.D.S. jokes.

 VERONICA
 (looking to her burnt hand)
 Sure. Can we make an ice run
 before the funeral?

 STUDENTS head back to their cars and the Buses pull back out.

 INT. CHURCH--DAY

 A typically John Waynesque Jock's Father-type, MR. KELLY,
 stands over his son's open coffin. KURT wears a black football
 helmet. FATHER RIPPER watches on with various ADULTS,
 STUDENTS.

 MR. KELLY
 If there's any way you can hear me,
 Kurt buddy, I don't care that you
 really were some pansy. You're my
 flesh-and-blood. You made me proud.
 I love my homosexual son. My son's
 gay and I love him!

 In dark sunglasses, VERONICA wearily leans over to J.D.

 VERONICA
 Your son's dead and you love him.

 J.D.
 How do you think Mr. Kelly would
 react to a son with a limp wrist
 with a pulse?

Westerberg Logo

 They quietly laugh. VERONICA sees a LITTLE GIRL staring at
 her. She is wearing Kurt's football jersey and her face is
 soaked in tears. VERONICA's smile turns into a nauseated
 grimace.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM FLOOR--NIGHT

 VERONICA lies next to a Vodka bottle, drinking out of a Dixie
 cup. She turns off her blaring radio to speak on the phone.

 D.J. (radio)
 As you know, the Sherwood Teen Suicide
 tote is up to three. Here's one for Kurt
 and Ram, BigFun with Teenage Suicide,
 Don't Do It....

 VERONICA
 Hello J.D.? No, it's okay, I just kind
 of wanted to talk...Oh, a newsmagazine
 show on Channel 16. Really? On the
 suicides. No, sounds great. Bye.

 VERONICA hangs up and looks to her battered diary lying against
 the wall. She crawls to the diary and then reaches
 up to her night table to pull down her monocle and a pen.
 She sucks a cup of Vodka and begins writing.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit
 now has a body count.

 Sitting up against her bed, VERONICA continues writing as
 J.F.K. laps up Vodka from the Dixie cup.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 The most popular people in the school
 are dead. Everybody's sad, but it's a
 good kind of sad. Suicide gave Heather
 depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain. I
 gave J.D. shit about the Ich Luge thing
 but what really frightens me is that
 I'm not frightened by what J.D.'ll do
 next. It's God versus my boyfriend
 and God's losing....

 VERONICA drops her head back and closes her eyes, popping out
 her monocle. She swoons down against the bed onto the
 floor and curls into a fetal slumber.

 INT. THE CAFETERIA--DAY

 STUDENTS eat and buzz together in typical cacophony. All are
 wearing black armbands. A jukebox roars.

 PAULINE FLEMING and an entourage of STUDENTS such as PETER
 DAWSON and the HEATHERS invade the cafeteria, heads raised high.

 PAULINE
 Peter, kill the jukebox.

 As the music amusingly grinds to a halt, PAULINE hoists up
 a bullhorn to her lips and crackles...

 PAULINE
 Could I have your attention?

 A startled Geek RODNEY splatters milk all over himself.

 STUDENTS whip their heads around to the front of the cafeteria.
 MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK warily looks up from her plate.

 PAULINE FLEMING chants with soaring self-importance.

 PAULINE
 Our school has been torn apart by
 tragedy. I'm here today to fuse it
 back together through Togetherness.
 I want everyone to clasp hands.
 We need to connect this cafeteria
 into one mighty circuit.

 A tableau of dumbfounded STUDENTS stare at the Bullhorn Woman.

 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF CAFETERIA--SAME TIME--DAY

 Hungover in dark sunglasses, VERONICA bustles toward the
 cafeteria entrance clinging to an armful of books while trying
 to tie a black armband onto herself.

 INT. THE CAFETERIA--DAY

 PAULINE's Evita Peron-like composure is crumbling.

 PAULINE
 Yo, what's the problem? I know you
 know how to hold hands. Ring-around-
 the-rosy-a-pocketful-of-posy...Forget it!
 (looking to her watch then Peter)
 Where are they?

 Her back to the viewer, VERONICA enters the cafeteria. HEATHER
 DUKE floats into view and tightly knots VERONICA's armband.

 VERONICA
 I see Ms. Phlegm's on another crusade.
 With usual success.

 HEATHER DUKE
 (looking to the viewer)
 I have a feeling this one'll work.

 VERONICA turns to the viewer and half-gasps.

 TWO 2-person video CAMERA CREWS and a STILL PHOTOGRAPHER burst
 into the cafeteria slightly battering the in-the-way VERONICA.

 PAULINE smiles in relief. She wields around, lifting the horn.

 PAULINE
 The cameras are here! Lock your paws!

 Slightly confused but Awesomed, a table of Country Club Kids
 including COURTNEY stand and latch out to each other. A nearby
 table with BETTY FINN and friends follow suit.

 VERONICA looks on with a growing sense of queasiness.

 The Cafeteria swirls into a frenzy with members of more
 excitable cliques like the Jocks and the Heavy Metalers
 jumping over and onto tables anxiously bumbling into hand-
 holding constellations. CAMERA CREWS weave beside them.
 In a corner, the PHOTOGRAPHER snaps a shot of a thumbs-up
 PETER DAWSON with his arms around FEMALE STONER IN ARMY JACKET.

 PAULINE runs ahead of a hustling CAMERA CREW and grabs hold of
 a chain of hand-holding Jocks. She pulls the chain until it
 connects up with a grateful chain of BETTY FINNS.

 A sleeping HEATHER MCNAMARA drearily awakens to the havoc around
 her. She takes off her black armband, ties it around her
 eyes, and droops her head back down on a table.

 VERONICA lets her books slide from her hands, shaking her head.

 MARTHA DUNNSTOCK nervously looks to her out-of-control peers.

 HEATHER DUKE slyly looks to VERONICA with an "If you can't
 beat em..." smile then saunters into the fray. She slides onto
 the lap of Heavy Metaler Matt. The PHOTOGRAPHER snaps a shot.

 PAULINE forces apart the handholding Heavy Metal lovers JACKIE
 and STEVE, sandwiches DENNIS in between them, and madly departs.

 The PHOTOGRAPHER now shoots a pic of a thumbs-up PETER DAWSON
 with his arms around an ALL OUT NERD.

 VERONICA stands before the chaos, back to the viewer, in much
 the same way Heather Chandler did in the opening scene.

 PAULINE and the Geek Squad look to MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK.

 RODNEY
 I may be a geek, but I have my pride.

 PAULINE
 Gotcha...Could I get some Stoners
 over here please!

 Frightened and flustered, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK quakes
 for a moment then crawls underneath her table.

 A last panoramic view of the hustling CAMERA CREWS amid the
 panderingly anarchic STUDENTS unfolds.

 VERONICA suddenly finds herself flanked by J.D. The exiting
 CAMERA CREWS flow past them.

 J.D.
 Was it as good for you as it was for me?

 A dumbfounded VERONICA watches PAULINE and PETER approach.

 PETER
 I'm gonna need a VHS copy of all this by
 Monday for my Princeton application.

 PAULINE
 (looking to Veronica)
 Veronica, there you are! Wasn't it Fab?
 I've put peer pressure out to pasture!

 VERONICA
 Oh come on, Pauline. What happens
 tomorrow, when the cameras aren't here?

 As they argue, J.D. looks out and sees MARTHA bob up from
 beneath her table then dart back under. He ambles away....

 PAULINE
 Why are you dissing me, Veronica? I'm
 trying to redefine the high school
 experience.....

 VERONICA
 You're ignoring the high school
 experience. People are dead and all
 you can think to do is whip up some
 warped Pity Party. If we're going to
 ever build respect for each other,
 it's gotta be something...something
 real. We can't be tricked into it.
 Back me up J.D...J.D.?

 PAULINE
 (moving off)
 Let's go Peter, some people are just
 unwilling to share the pain....

 MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK'S TABLE

 MARTHA slithers from under the table up into her seat, and
 head down, tries to finish off a bowl of soup. She slowly looks
 up and freezes. J.D. is revealed to be seated across from her,
 behind his Rebel Without a Cause lunch box. He smiles warmly.

 J.D.
 Greetings and salutations.

 INT. J.D.'S LIVING ROOM--NIGHT

 VERONICA restlessly rocks on a couch with increasingly
 unguarded annoyance. Excitedly insensitive to her words, J.D.
 spins the tuner of his radio, headphones pressed to one ear.

 VERONICA
 That thing this afternoon...I'm so
 angry! It was like "Boy, isn't death
 fun!" "Gee, I wonder who'll die next!"
 "I'll bet we get four camera crews
 next time." It was chaos. Fucking chaos.

 J.D. giddily pivots around, tearing the headphones from the
 radio and causing a blast of static to accompany his words.

 J.D.
 What are you talking about? Today
 was great. Chaos is great. Chaos is
 what killed the dinosaurs, darling,
 and it's what's going to make
 Westerburg a purified place to get
 an education. Face it, our way is
 the way. We scare people into not
 being assholes.

 VERONICA
 (a ticking time bomb)
 Our way is not our way.

 J.D.
 Tell that to the judge; "Your honor,
 I was led to believe there were Ich
 Luge bullets in the gun." Tell it to
 Kurt Kelly! "Don't shoot, Veronica,
 I'm the quarterback."

 J.D. goes into a Sonny-Corleone-at-the-Turnpike imitation.
 VERONICA throws the first thing she can get her hands on, a
 framed picture of a woman, at the vibrating J.D.

 VERONICA
 I'm telling it to you! You! Nothing
 good can come from suicide, from murder,
 from death. Nothing! Nothing except more
 death and shit like that feeding frenzy
 this afternoon....Geez, what am I..who...
 Unnaah! You can be so immature!

 J.D.
 (looking off)
 You kids are making too much damn noise.

 BIG BUD DEAN is revealed to be standing in the front doorway,
 holding a chest exerciser and waving a videocassette.

 BIG BUD DEAN
 We beat the bitches.

 VERONICA
 (mumbling)
 Oh beautiful. The Beaver's home.

 BIG BUD DEAN
 Judge told em to slurp shit and die.

 BIG BUD moves to the Entertainment console, turns off the
 radio and turns on the V.C.R. He crams the cassette in and
 hefts up his chest exerciser. He begins pumping away as the
 image of a shabby building appears on the massive T.V.

 BIG BUD DEAN
 I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.
 Masterful. When that blew, it set off
 a pack of thermals I'd stuck upstairs.

 The building blows up. BIG BUD cackles. J.D. politely
 applauds. BUD pops out the videocassette and bounces away.

 BIG BUD DEAN
 It's great to be alive!

 VERONICA
 Do you like your father?

 J.D.
 Never given the matter much thought.
 Liked my mother.

 J.D. picks up the framed picture that Veronica threw.

 J.D.
 They said her death was an accident.
 But she knew when the explosives were
 set to go off. She knew...

 VERONICA slowly sits down next to J.D. with dazed concern.

 VERONICA
 In some sick way, we unclogged the
 sinuses of the school. But if we're
 going to keep the school healthy, it's
 gotta be through something having to
 do with life, not death.

 J.D.
 Whoa, Metaphor Tennis anyone? Tell me,
 if you put a Nazi in a concentration
 camp, does that make you a Nazi?

 VERONICA
 Maybe.

 J.D. exhales in frustration before bounding up from the couch
 to turn back on the radio.

 D.J. (Radio)
 Dudes, if I get one more request for
 that BigFun song I'm going to
 committ suicide. Here it is......

 J.D.
 (malevolently)
 They're playing our song....

 As the "song" kicks in (a bunch of guys shouting over a drum
 machine), J.D. seductively moves toward VERONICA, semi-lip-
 syncing it. As a seethingly angry but not unaroused
 VERONICA watches, J.D. slithers onto the couch.

 BIGFUN (Radio)
 TIMES ARE MEAN FOR A TEEN--WE KNOW!
 PARENTS IGNORE, TEACHERS BORE--WE KNOW!
 BUT THERE'S MORE THAN ONE WAY TO GO!
 TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!
 TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!

 J.D. stops his seduction and rips out a gun. He giddily fires
 into the radio, destroying it.

 VERONICA
 That's it, we're breaking up.

 J.D.
 Wha-a-at?

 J.D. playfully tackles the fleeing VERONICA. This calms rather
 than angers. She turns on her back. J.D. follows suit.

 J.D.
 You can't bring them back. You
 must know that.

 VERONICA
 I'm not trying to "bring back"
 anybody...except maybe myself.

 VERONICA sighs, then rolls over into a crawling position and
 eventually into a walking-out-the-door position.

 VERONICA
 To think there was a time when I
 thought you were cool. If you can't
 deal with me now, just stay home and
 shoot your T.V., blow away a couple
 toasters or something. Just don't come
 to school and don't mess with me.

 J.D.
 You'll be back!

 J.D. slowly sits up and with both hands, puts his gun in his
 mouth. He pauses, lets go of the gun, and then biting down on
 the barrel of the gun, J.D. proceeds to broodingly tie his
 shoes.

 INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM--DAY

 J.D. moves to an empty row of desks. He turns the first desk
 as to face the second. HEATHER DUKE warily lowers herself into
 the second desk as J.D. flops a manilla envelope onto it.
 HEATHER DUKE opens the envelope and pulls out a stack of 8x10's.

 The first shot shows a YOUNG HEATHER DUKE in a summer camp
 uniform that vibrantly reads HEATHER, She is holding one end
 of a large poster board drawing of two Eskimos rubbing noses.
 Holding the other end, in a summer camp uniform vibrantly
 reading MARTHA, is a YOUNG MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK.

 HEATHER DUKE
 What the.....

 With a harsh laugh, she takes in the next photograph. It has
 YOUNG HEATHER DUKE and YOUNG MARTHA eating toasted
 marshmallows off each other's sticks.

 HEATHER DUKE
 (queasily intrigued)
 Where did you get these?

 J.D.
 Oh, I just had the nicest chat with
 Ms. Dumptruck. Got along famously! It's
 scary how everyone's got a story to
 tell....Would you care to see the
 canoeing shots?

 HEATHER DUKE
 What is this? Blackmail? So what. I
 once shared a bunk with the biggest
 loser in the state. I'm not running
 for president....
 (narrowing her eyes at the photos)
 I'll give you a week's lunch money.

 J.D.
 I don't want your money, I want your
 strength. Westerburg doesn't need
 mushy togetherness, it needs a leader.
 Heather Chandler was that leader but...

 HEATHER DUKE
 But she couldn't handle it.

 J.D. laughs. She's on the ball.

 J.D.
 I think you can. In Catcher in the Rye
 Holden says his ideal job'd be making
 sure some kids don't fall off a cliff.
 He doesn't realize if you pay too much
 attention to the kids, you'll back off
 the cliff yourself.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Very very. The photographs?

 J.D.
 Don't worry. I'll ask you to do a favour,
 one you'll enjoy. You'll get the
 negatives and everything back then.

 J.D. launches away from his desk with a grin. He places a
 red ribbon on HEATHER DUKE's desk.

 J.D.
 In the meantime, strength, And hey,
 there's a little gift.

 INT. THE GIRLS BATHROOM--DAY

 A spooked HEATHER DUKE splashes water on her face and looks up
 into the mirror. In a trance, she pulls her hair back Heather
 Chandler fashion and ties it with the ribbon J.D. gave her.

 A BETTY FINN-A-LIKE moves up to the sink beside her. Two CHIC
 BABES enter the bathroom with pouting expressions. Seemingly
 in a trance, HEATHER DUKE bends over and wipes off her wet hands
 using the oblivious BETTY FINN-A-LIKE's dress. HEATHER DUKE
 winks to the now-giggling CHIC BABES and saunters off.

 INT. HALLWAY--DAY

 HEATHER DUKE bursts through the bathroom door to wickedly
 strut down the hall. She scowls/smiles in perfect Heather
 Chandler fashion to various passers-by.

 ANOTHER HALLWAY--DAY

 Disoriented, VERONICA somnambulates down the hall. She suddenly
 brakes amid the flow of Student traffic to stare at a locker.
 The locker wears a POLICE LINE--DO NOT CROSS sticker. VERONICA
 pulls out a School Spirit Club I.D. Card and moves to the locker.

 With the card, she wrangles the locker open. It contains a
 coat, recognizably Heather Chandler's. On the inside door is a
 sizable mirror, a cute little "HEATHER" license plate, an
 Alexander Haig For President sticker, and a picture of VERONICA
 and the HEATHERS all wearing sunglasses and acting tough.

 VERONICA zeroes in on a three frame Photo Booth picture. In
 the first frame, VERONICA and HEATHER CHANDLER stare
 stonefaced. In the second frame, the two girls are screaming
 at the top of their lungs. In the third frame, they have
 returned to a stonefaced state. VERONICA touches the picture
 with a quivering smile as two hands flap around her eyes.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Guess who?

 VERONICA
 Heather.

 VERONICA turns around, stunned. The Heather Chandleresque
 HEATHER DUKE can be seen in the locker mirror. VERONICA
 violently pushes HEATHER DUKE away and storms off.

 HEATHER DUKE peers in the open locker. A pair of red earrings
 flash out at her. Biting her lip, she reaches for them.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 Lying on the floor, VERONICA concentrates on her phone. With
 a deep sigh, she pushbuttons out a number. She pauses, then...

 VERONICA
 Ouch. Your machine's got the most
 obnoxious beep. Heather, I'm sorry.

 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 VERONICA's voice drones through HEATHER DUKE's answering machine.

 VERONICA (O.S./machine)
 I'm just calling to say you can
 wear your hair any way you want to.

 A Male hand picks up the phone. It's College boy DAVID.

 DAVID
 Hey Veronica Sawyer, barf on
 anybody's carpet lately?

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 VERONICA cringes.

 VERONICA
 Is this David? Heather's David?
 What are you doing....

 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 DAVID
 What can I say? I was pretty broken
 up by Heather C.'s suicide. I needed
 somebody super-sensitive like Heather D.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 VERONICA
 I'm delirious for the both of you.
 Can you put Heather on?

 INT. HEATHER DUKE'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 DAVID proudly looks down off-screen to his lap.

 DAVID
 She can't really talk right now.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 VERONICA slams down the receiver and pulls up a sleek leather
 address book. She severely scans through it. Tossing it away,
 VERONICA then descends into the sundry junk of her night
 table drawer and draws up another address book.
 This one is frayed and pink polka-dotted. She peruses it and
 dials.....

 VERONICA
 Hello, Betty.....

 EXT. SAWYER BACKYARD--LATE AFTERNOON

 BETTY FINN hits her ball through a wicket and squeals in
 delight. VERONICA has a motherly smile on her face.

 BETTY
 I don't believe it. I'm winning.

 VERONICA
 Don't get cocky, girl.

 BETTY bends down to shoot then raises her body back up.

 BETTY
 I missed you. I know I'm not as, as
 exciting as your other friends.

 VERONICA
 That's bullshit. Just shoot.

 BETTY once again bends and raises.

 BETTY
 Ronnie, I'm still a virgin. I french-
 kissed Al Springer once but he...

 VERONICA
 (warmly)
 Shoot.

 BETTY finally shoots. Feebly.

 VERONICA
 Betty, your daydreams are a lot
 better than my realities, believe
 me. I'm afraid though it's time to die.

 BETTY
 Ronnie!

 VERONICA gigglingly shoots, but misses the wicket. And instead
 hits BETTY's ball. Disturbed by the sudden dilemma, she
 determinedly walks to her ball and moves it away from BETTY's.

 BETTY
 Hey, you're not settling for the two shots
 are you? Knock me out girl. It's the only way.

 VERONICA
 It's not my style, okay?

 BETTY
 Nice guys finish last. I should know.

 VERONICA sighs then knocks BETTY's adjacent ball sailing
 toward the porch and a statuesque Earring-wearing HEATHER
 DUKE, who does not budge as the ball whizzes past her.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Brav-o!

 BETTY FINN
 (nervously)
 I've got to get going, Veronica.

 VERONICA
 Sure.

 HEATHER DUKE walks toward the girls followed by a meandering
 desultory HEATHER MCNAMARA, who picks up a green mallet and
 fragilely swings it; her early robustness a forgotten memory.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Croquet won't be the same without Heather.

 HEATHER DUKE
 (condescendingly to the passing Betty)
 Oh Betty, leaving so soon...HEY, I'M RED!

 LATER IN THE GAME

 Red ball underfoot, HEATHER DUKE savagely "sends" HEATHER
 MCNAMARA's green ball into the flower bed.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Shit.

 HEATHER DUKE
 You know what really bites; when people
 watch that cafeteria stuff on TV and see
 all those Geeks and Metalheads jumping
 around, they're going to think Uncool
 is the Rule at Westerburg.....Damn!

 HEATHER DUKE's shot swerves wide of the wicket.

 VERONICA
 You're so polluted. Talking down to
 people, making fake notes....

 VERONICA blows her shot.

 HEATHER DUKE
 I don't see what gives you the right
 to lecture, Ronnie. You were
 soulmates with Betty Finn until you
 realized you're the cover of
 Seventeen magazine and she's the
 before half of a Scarsdale Diet ad.

 HEATHER DUKE bashes her ball into VERONICA's and prepares
 to send it.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Some people just don't matter. Why
 should those who do carry their
 weight? Am I right?

 As HEATHER DUKE swings down her mallet, VERONICA steps on her
 own ball. When HEATHER DUKE's mallet makes contact, the two
 balls slam against each other, unmoving, with a loud smack.

 VERONICA
 No, you're wrong. It's not even
 your turn.

 The depressed and disoriented HEATHER MCNAMARA, laying
 against a tree, pipes in.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 She's right.....Boy, croquet's not
 the same without Heather.

 HEATHER DUKE
 (shaking out her wrist)
 I don't know what your damage is
 Veronica, but me and Heather are
 going to walk over to the Mall.
 Maybe by the time we head back,
 your tampon'll be flushed.

 As HEATHER DUKE and HEATHER MCNAMARA meander out the back of
 the yard, an annoyed VERONICA revolves back toward the house
 to see J.D. sitting comfortably at the patio table with a
 drink.

 VERONICA
 Christ, doesn't anybody knock?

 J.D.
 Mummy and Daddy let me in. So I'm a
 dark horse, huh? You make me blush...

 VERONICA reaches the patio, gently swinging her croquet mallet,
 excited with the thought that J.D. has come to change his ways.

 VERONICA
 Did you come to tell me something?
 Something nice. Remotely apologetic.

 J.D.
 (oblivious)
 How about that Heather Duke, huh? I
 say it's about time we got down to
 doing what we do best.

 VERONICA
 (angrily blowing up at her bangs)
 Just finish your drink and get out.

 VERONICA storms to the patio door.

 INT. GYM--DUSK

 Wearing a BigFun T-shirt, MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK sits in
 the bleachers glumly sipping out of a cup of Coke. Cheers and
 shouts can be heard booming around her.

 As she places the cup down beside her, it is revealed MARTHA
 is completely alone in the gym; the others being sad workings
 of her embattled imagination.

 She lifts the cup back up to her mouth but the plastic lid
 pops off and a gush of Coke splashes onto her BigFun T-shirt.

 INT. THE SAWYER LIVING ROOM--DUSK

 With her croquet mallet, VERONICA comes into her house,
 sliding the patio door closed. MOM and DAD are watching a
 video image of PAULINE FLEMING at a cafeteria table.

 MOM
 Jason's kinda cute for a dark horse.

 PAULINE (T.V.)
 The Westerburg Suicides were tough on
 all of us, but we shared the pain of
 losing three very popular souls.

 DAD
 I don't know about that coat he was
 wearing though. Hey, isn't that the
 flake we met at Open House.

 A zombie VERONICA floats past her parents to stare at the T.V.

 PAULINE (T.V.)
 I came into the cafeteria and
 asked them to hold hands. The
 response was immediate.

 Footage of the frenzied handholding Students unfolds upon the
 screen with no evidence of the calculation behind it.
 PAULINE's sanctimoniously dulcet tones go over the image.

 PAULINE (V.O./T.V.)
 My mere words liberated the students,
 causing them to open their petals and
 reveal their hopes and fears. By a
 stroke of luck, T.V. cameras were
 fortunate enough to happen to be on
 hand to capture this spontaneous,
 natural emotional outpouring of emotion.

 VERONICA
 Happened to be on hand....spontaneous
 natural emotional outpouring!

 VERONICA clams up in anger as her parents babble.

 DAD
 Look there's Heather.

 MOM
 And there's Heather. Where are
 you, Veronica?

 The video image of PAULINE at a cafeteria table returns.

 PAULINE (T.V.)
 Whether to commit suicide is the most
 important decision a teenager has to
 make. With supervision from people like
 myself, we can help young people make
 the right decision.

 With her croquet, VERONICA slams the on/off Button and
 turns to her parents.

 VERONICA
 I'm right here.

 EXT. OUTSIDE OF THE SCHOOL--DUSK

 MARTHA trudges outside of the school, the coke stain still
 grotesquely encrusted to her BigFun T-shirt. She pins an
 illegible-except-for-the-words-DEAR-WESTERBURG note onto her
 shirt, over the stain. She continues moving toward a street
 of passing cars.

 INT. SAWYER FAMILY/T.V. ROOM--DUSK/NIGHT

 The Sawyer family is on fire. VERONICA yanks the television
 cord from its socket.

 MOM
 Turn that back on!

 VERONICA
 Can't you see, these little programs
 eat up suicide with a spoon. They make
 it seem like a cool thing to do.

 DAD
 If we're not going to watch that
 program, can I put on the game?

 VERONICA
 Hey kids, make your parents and
 teachers feel like shit! Get the
 respect in death you'll never get
 in life!

 MOM
 Are you trying to tell me it is not
 a troubled time for the nation's youth?
 Get up off the floor, your dress is
 getting filthy.

 VERONICA
 Everybody cares about youth, not the
 individual. All we want is to be treated
 like human beings, not like guinea pigs
 to be experimented on and not like
 bunny rabbits to be patronized.

 DAD
 I do not patronize bunny rabbits.

 MOM
 Treated like human beings? Is that
 what you said little Miss Voice of
 a Generation? Just how do you think
 adults act with other adults? You
 think it's all just Doubles Tennis.
 Adults can be horrible to other adults.
 When teenagers complain that they
 want to be treated like human beings,
 it's usually because they are being
 treated like human beings.

 VERONICA leans against the wall with a melancholy smile.

 VERONICA
 I guess I picked the wrong time
 to be a human being.

 MOM is embarassed for getting so involved. She meekly gestures
 to a tray of pate with a compassionate smile.

 MOM
 You'll live. Want some pate?

 HEATHER DUKE suddenly breezes in the room, out of breath,
 holding various shopping bags.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Hi everyone, door was open. Have you
 heard, Veronica? We were doing Chinese
 at the Food Fair, right, when they
 come over the radio and say Martha
 Dumptruck tried to buy the farm. She
 bellyflopped in front of a car,
 wearing a suicide note.

 VERONICA
 (repulsed)
 Is she dead?

 HEATHER DUKE
 That's the punchline. She's still
 alive, in stable condition. Another
 case of a geek trying to imitate the
 popular people of the school and
 failing miserably. Is that pate?

 VERONICA slaps HEATHER DUKE in the face.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 HEATHER DUKE paces the room holding an icepack to her jaw.
 VERONICA is glumly sprawled on the ground.

 VERONICA
 I said I was sorry.

 HEATHER DUKE
 You are out of control. Heather and
 Kurt were a shock, but Martha
 Dumptruck, get crucial! She dialed
 suicide hotlines in her diapers.

 VERONICA
 You're not funny. Turn on the radio.

 HEATHER DUKE
 (Heather Chandleresque)
 Martha couldn't take the heat so she
 got out of the kitchen. Just think
 what a better place the world would
 be if every nimrod followed her cue.

 VERONICA
 Just shut up and turn on the radio.
 Hot Probs is on.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Oh shit, yeah.

 HEATHER DUKE hastens to the radio and flicks it on. Ripping
 open a bag of corn nuts, she sets herself down next to
 VERONICA as a TROUBLED MALE VOICE cuts the air.

 TROUBLED MALE VOICE (Radio)
 I know it's supposed to be funny
 that they never get off the island,
 but still, sometimes I feel like I'm
 on that island and Gilligan can be just
 so stupid sometimes.

 HEATHER DUKE
 This sounds like a good one.

 INT. RADIO STATION BOOTH--NIGHT

 A slob D.J. cackles into a conference call-type box.

 D.J.
 Dude, you've got to remember if it
 wasn't for the courage of the fearless
 crew, the Minnow would be lost. The
 Minnow would be lost! Next call!

 TROUBLED MALE VOICE
 But Skipper hates me...

 The D.J. rudely clicks off the TROUBLED MALE VOICE.

 D.J.
 Whoa, they're coming out early tonight.
 What ever happened to abortions and acne?
 You've got the Dogcatcher and you're
 listening to Hot Probs.

 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 HEATHER MCNAMARA is sitting clandestinely on her bedroom floor
 talking on the phone and through her radio. A dim lamp
 provides the room's only light.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 My name is Heather, I mean, not Heather.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA looks up at a Madonna poster on the wall.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 It's Madonna. Geez, no, not that.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA looks up to a knick-knack of little gold bird.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 VERONICA and HEATHER DUKE simultaneously move into stunned
 silence.

 D.J. (radio)
 Hey babe, I need a name?

 INT. RADIO STATION BOOTH--NIGHT

 HEATHER MCNAMARA (box)
 My name is Tweety.

 D.J.
 Yo, Tweet, if you're going to tell
 me you just saw a puttycat....

 INT. HEATHER MCNAMARA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 A broken-down HEATHER MCNAMARA sobs.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 God has cursed me, I think. The
 last time I had sex, the guy killed
 himself the next day. I'm failing Maths.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 HEATHER DUKE excitedly jumps up as HEATHER MCNAMARA drones on.

 HEATHER DUKE HEATHER MCNAMARA (radio)
 Holy shit, that's My whole life is a mess.
 Heather! We'll I was supposed to be
 crucify her! captain of the cheerleading
 team, but I probably won't
 VERONICA because I miss practice when
 Oh man, she knows we my Dad visits. My parents
 listen to this show! are divorced and stuff and....

 INT. CLASSROOM--DAY

 A blackboard reads POOR LITTLE HEATHER.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 Heather told everyone about Heather.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA is revealed in the front row wearing her
 cheerleader uniform. To the left, HEATHER DUKE dishes with
 some dreamy GUYS. At the back of the classroom, VERONICA,
 monocle in eye, writes in her diary.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 Yes, Dear Diary, I've cut off Heather
 Chandler's head and Heather Duke's head
 has sprouted in its place like some
 mythological thing my eighth grade
 boyfriend would know about. Heather's
 even doing the old note trick.

 A HOMELY GIRL is seen reading a note, glancing to a TYPICAL JOCK.
 VERONICA takes in the wicked panorama of the classroom.

 VERONICA (V.O.)
 I've seen J.D.'s way. I've seen Pauline's way.
 Nothing's changed. I guess that's Heather's
 way. And jesus, what about J.D.? I can't get
 him out of my head. Are we going to the Prom?
 Or to Hell? And where's Heather going?

 HEATHER MCNAMARA suddenly rises and walks out of the classroom,
 passing a GRUFF TEACHER in a trenchcoat, carrying a briefcase.

 GRUFF TEACHER
 Where's Heather going?

 HEATHER DUKE
 She's going to cry-y-y.

 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM--DAY

 HEATHER MCNAMARA struggles to open a bottle of sleeping pills.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Fucking child protector caps.

 INT. THE GRUFF TEACHER'S CLASSROOM--DAY

 GRUFF TEACHER writes a math problem on the board. A flustered
 VERONICA squirms in her seat then leaps up and runs to the door.

 GRUFF TEACHER
 Now where's she going? Is somebody getting
 raped today on All My Children or what?

 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM--DAY

 INT. HALLWAY--DAY

 VERONICA races down the hall.

 INT. GIRLS BATHROOM--DAY

 HEATHER MCNAMARA is a chipmunk with a mouthful of pills.

 She pulls a glass from her purse and turns on a faucet, but no
 water comes out. She manages to mumble.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Give me a break.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA gets running water from another sink as
 VERONICA rushes in. VERONICA punches HEATHER MCNAMARA's face
 causing the pills to explode out of her mouth. HEATHER
 MCNAMARA slumps against a stall, onto the floor.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 What are you trying to do? Kill me?

 VERONICA jumps up and down on the pills on the floor.

 VERONICA
 What were you trying to do? Sleep?

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Suicide is a private thing.

 VERONICA lunges forward to strike her. HEATHER MCNAMARA
 recoils with a wail. Half-regaining her composure, VERONICA
 slides down next to HEATHER MCNAMARA.

 VERONICA
 You're giving your life away to
 become a goddamn statistic in U.S.
 Fucking A Today. That's got to be
 the least private thing I can think of.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 But what about Heather and Ram and Kurt?

 VERONICA
 If everyone jumped off a bridge,
 young lady, would you?

 HEATHER MCNAMARA wipes tears from her eyes and smiles weakly.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Probably....

 VERONICA
 Hey now, if you were happy every day
 of your life, you wouldn't be a human
 being, you'd be a game show host.

 HEATHER MCNAMARA
 Let's knock off early. Buy some shoes.
 Something lame like that.

 VERONICA
 Sure.

 INT. THE EMPTY CLASSROOM--DAY

 Comfortably slouched at a desk, J.D. laconically rumbles.

 J.D.
 So it's come to this.
 (turning to the viewer)
 Heather Chandler did polls. I want you
 to do a Petition, as a favor, as the
 favor. You've heard the group Big Fun, right?

 HEATHER DUKE sits at the desk opposite him torching the
 manilla envelopes (photographs) with a butane lighter.

 HEATHER DUKE
 TEENAGE SUICIDE; DON'T DO IT!

 J.D.
 (post-chortle)
 Some teenybopper rag said that Big Fun wants
 to play a Prom. It could be Westerburg's
 if we can get everyone's John Hancock.

 J.D. flips across a stack of blank, connected computer
 printout sheets. At the top is a small paragraph and the word
 PETITION. HEATHER DUKE blows ashes off her desk and grabs it,
 giggling.

 HEATHER DUKE
 I'll get right on it coach. And hey,
 a little gift. I won't be needing it.

 HEATHER DUKE twirls her copy of Catcher in the Rye to a
 pleased J.D.

 INT. STAIRCASE WINDOW--DAY

 HEATHER DUKE gothically ascends a staircase, holding the
 petition. She stops, arms raised high, to bathe in the
 sunlight blasting through the staircase window.

 INT. CAFETERIA--DAY

 HEATHER DUKE, petition in hand, sashays toward the Country
 Club Kids table.

 COURTNEY
 Oh great. Here comes Heather.

 KEITH
 Shit.

 INT. SCHOOL BUS--DAY

 HEATHER DUKE chirps to a schoolbusful of various STUDENTS.

 EXT. SCHOOL LAWN--DAY

 The provocatively dressed Petitioner charms a patch of Jocks.

 INT. STAIRCASE WINDOW--DAY

 HEATHER DUKE continues to bizarrely bathe in the sunlight of
 the staircase window.

 EXT. PARKING LOT--DAY

 Strategically wearing Heavy Metal accessories, HEATHER DUKE
 slams down the petition atop a car-hoodful of Metalheads.

 INT. STONERS' HALLWAY--DAY

 Decked out in denim, HEATHER DUKE vanishes into the Stoner
 Hallway smoke, with the petition.

 INT. THE STAIRCASE WINDOW--DAY

 HEATHER DUKE further writhes in the sunlight until VERONICA's
 perplexed voice cuts into her bliss.

 VERONICA (O.S.)
 Heather?

 HEATHER DUKE brings down her arms and the petition and turns
 to VERONICA, revealed to be descending down the steps.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Veronica! Color me stoked, girl. I've
 gotten everyone to sign this petition
 even the one who think BigFun are
 tuneless Eurofags. People love me!
 (giggling)
 My God, you haven't signed!

 VERONICA
 People love you but I know you.
 Jennifer Forbes told me the petition
 she signed was to put a hot tub in
 the cafeteria. And Doug Hylton...

 HEATHER DUKE
 (verbally winking)
 So some people need different kinds
 of "convincing" than others....
 (happiness evaporating)
 Hey, just sign the petition!

 VERONICA

 HEATHER DUKE
 It was J.D.'s idea! He made
 out the signature sheet and
 everything. Now will you sign it?

 VERONICA
 (queasy)
 No.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Jealous much?

 VERONICA slaps HEATHER DUKE with all her might.

 VERONICA
 Heather, why can't you just be a
 friend? Why are you such a MegaBitch?

 HEATHER DUKE
 Because I can be! The same fucking cheek,
 goddamnit! Why are you pulling my dick?
 Do you think, do you really think, if
 Betty Finn's fairy godmother made her
 Cool, she'd still act nice and hang with
 her dweebette friends? No way! Uh-Uh!

 HEATHER DUKE stumbles down the stairs.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Fuck me gently with a chainsaw...

 J.D.'s voice cuts into VERONICA's concentration.

 J.D. (O.S.)
 Wanna go out tonight?

 VERONICA grimly turns to see a smirking, descending J.D.

 J.D.
 Catch a movie? Some miniature Golf?

 VERONICA
 (jokingly but caustically)
 I was thinking more along the lines
 of slitting Heather Duke's wrists
 open and making it look like a suicide.

 J.D. seductively slides behind VERONICA and envelops her.

 J.D.
 I could be up for that. I've already
 started underlining meaningful passages
 in Heather's copy of Catcher in the Rye,
 if you know what I mean. This is great,
 Veronica. I knew you'd come back.

 As in the Chandler kitchen scene, J.D. kisses the back of
 VERONICA's neck and she closes her eyes. Suddenly she rifles
 her elbow into his stomach, doubling him over. She screams in
 his ear then bolts down the stairs as he gasps after her.

 VERONICA
 It's over, J.D. Over! Grow up!

 J.D.
 I don't get it! You were wrong! I was
 right! Strength, damnit! Come back!

 INT. SAWYER LIVING ROOM--DUSK

 Intensely clutching her schoolbooks, VERONICA walks through
 the front door into the living room where MOM and DAD sit with
 aggressively compassionate faces. VERONICA is a bit confused.

 VERONICA
 Yes?

 MOM and DAD glance at each other before MOM speaks.

 MOM
 Your friend Jason Dean just stopped
 by. He seemed very concerned about
 you. He said he thinks you might
 try to kill yourself.

 DAD
 You have been depressed lately. Oh,
 he said this is for you.

 DAD holds out an envelope. VERONICA nabs it and rips it open.
 The note reads, in feminine manuscript: RECOGNIZE THE
 HANDWRITING?

 VERONICA
 Oh my God....

 VERONICA runs off, her mother's voice trailing behind her.

 MOM (O.S.)
 He says we should keep you away from
 sharp objects, closed garages, toxic...

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--DUSK

 VERONICA vaults through her bedroom door. A Barbieish doll
 wearing a BigFun T-shirt hangs from a noose. With a whimper,
 she swerves away from it, looks to her open window, and then
 dives onto her bed.

 EXT. OUTSIDE THE SAWYER HOUSE--NIGHT

 J.D. laconically leans against his motorcycle with his legs
 suavely crossed. He looks uo to Veronica's bedroom window and
 hears another whimper emerge. He puts a cigarette in his mouth
 and lights it with a smile.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 VERONICA curls into a fetal position on her bed and closes her
 eyes.....tighter and tighter as J.D.'s voice.

 J.D. (O.S.)
 "You can't ever find a place nice
 and peaceful because there isn't any."

 VERONICA flops around to see J.D. kneeling over her on her bed
 reading Heather Duke's copy of The Catcher in the Rye.

 J.D.
 Nice. It's got that Catcher-in-the-Ryey-
 I-hate-the-world-and-the-world-hates-me-
 so-let's-commit-suicide ambience. Give
 it a try, underline something.

 J.D. giddily underlines words then slides into a prone
 position, tossing the book to an enraged VERONICA.

 VERONICA
 Get off my bed, you sick psycho.
 You think you're a rebel. You're
 not a rebel. You're a sick psycho.
 (increasing rage)
 Do you think you're a rebel? Do you
 think you're a rebel? I wanna know!

 J.D.
 You say tomayto, I say tomahto. Let's
 call the whole thing off...Hold it!

 VERONICA freezes and J.D. reaches up to her hand where she
 holds the Catcher in the Rye. Her index finger is curled into
 the book. Sitting up, J.D. carefully opens the book at that
 place and peers in.

 J.D.
 Look at that. Eskimo. One word. I
 love it. I usually go for whole
 sentences myself, but hey this is
 perfecto. Eskimo. So mysterious...

 VERONICA
 Wait a....You're not listening! I'm
 not on your side....

 INT. THE DUKE KITCHEN--NIGHT

 The sound of a lock being jimmied is heard moments before
 VERONICA and J.D. burst through the door. J.D. moves to the
 dishwasher and opens it like a burglar opening a safe.

 VERONICA
 You're still not listening! I'm not..

 J.D.
 (pulling out the knife)
 Nag, nag, nag, nag. nag.

 VERONICA
 (taking the knife from him)
 This knife is filthy.

 J.D.
 What in the hell do you think I'm
 doing? Taking out her tonsils?

 VERONICA
 I think I know Heather a bit better
 than you, okay? If she was going to
 slash her wrists, the knife would
 be absolutely spotless.

 J.D. grabs a dishtowel and vigorously wipes off the knife.

 J.D.
 How's this? Can you see your
 fucking reflection?

 She can and so can the viewer. Tears well in VERONICA's eyes.
 She begins to shudder, a shattered smile quaking on her face.

 VERONICA
 Tomorrow someone else will move
 into her place. That person
 could be me.
 (suddenly deliriously defiant)
 Ha, there's only one of us who knows
 Heather's handwriting and if you think
 I'm doing another suicide note.

 J.D.
 (laughing)
 You don't get it, do you? Society
 nods its head at any horror the
 American teenager can think to
 bring upon itself. We don't need
 gloves and does anyone really
 care about exact handwriting?

 J.D. tears his gloves off with a giggle. He takes a pen from the
 kitchen counter and paper from a cutesy memo pad. He shoves the
 pen in VERONICA's hand and grabbing her hand, forces her to
 scribble LIFE SUCKS on the paper.

 J.D.
 Perfecto. Man, I've even got a
 marked-up Catcher in the Rye.
 What else does a suicide need?

 J.D. pulls out the copy of the Catcher in the Rye and opens a
 door revealing HEATHER DUKE, asleep in an artful pose on a
 couch, MTV images from the T.V. flashing against her.

 J.D.
 (raising the knife)
 If you'll excuse me......

 VERONICA
 No-o!

 J.D. goes in to the adjoinging room and slams the door. VERONICA
 races to the door wailing. She maniacally rattles the doorknob
 trying to open the locked door.

 INT. AN ANOYNYMOUS T.V./HEATHER DUKE'S ROOM--NIGHT

 The sound of the rattling doorknob subtly turns into wild
 African music thundering on the soundtrack as PAULINE FLEMING
 ethereally moves to a blackboard with three chalk strokes on
 it and makes a fourth chalk stroke.

 INT. NEWSPAPER/YEARBOOK WORKSHOP--DAY

 In speeded-up imagery, DENNIS, PETER, and the YEARBOOK GIRL
 maneuver pictures of HEATHER CHANDLER, KURT, RAM, and HEATHER
 DUKE in mind-bogglingly countless ways in order to accomodate
 them all on the same two page layout.

 INT. FRONT OF THE CAFETERIA--DAY

 With even more speeded-up imagery, four STUDENTS wearing "What
 a Waste, Oh the Humanity" T-shirts toss out tons of black
 armbands into a hungry crowd.

 INT. CHURCH--DAY

 The wild African music and the speeded up imagery slams to a
 halt at the sigh of HEATHER DUKE lying serenely in a coffin.
 FATHER RIPPER wearing dark sunglasses and a terrifying toupee,
 walks in front of her to address a sizable group of ADULTS and
 STUDENTS sitting in foldout chairs before him. FATHER RIPPER
 dramatically looks over the crowd before finally speaking.

 FATHER RIPPER
 Eskimo.

 FATHER RIPPER lets the word hang in the air, then holds up the
 book.

 FATHER RIPPER
 Heather Duke underlined a lot of
 things in this copy of The Catcher
 in the Rye, but I believe the word
 Eskimo, underlined all by itself is
 the key to understanding Heather's pain.

 VERONICA stands in a corner with an "Oh brother" look on her
 face.

 FATHER RIPPER
 On the surface, Heather Duke was the
 vivacious young lady we all knew her
 to be. But her soul was in Antartica,
 freezing with the knowledge of the way
 fellow teenagers can be cruel, the way
 parents can be unresponsive, and as she
 writes so eloquently in her suicide note,
 the way life can suck. We'll all miss
 Sherwood's little Eskimo. Let's hope
 she's rubbing noses with Jesus.

 HEATHER CHANDLER moves next to VERONICA holding a plate of
 steaming spaghetti. She is wearing nerdy glasses and
 something that looks like an intergalactic prison unifrom.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Is this turnout weak or what? I had
 at least seventy more people at
 my funeral.

 VERONICA
 Heather? Wha...

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Oh God Veronica, my afterlife is
 s-o-o boring. If I have to sing
 "Kumbaya" one more time...

 VERONICA
 What are you doing here?!

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 I made your favorite. Spaghetti.
 Lots of oregano.

 With a squeal, HEATHER CHANDLER plunges VERONICA's face into
 the plate of spaghetti.

 HEATHER CHANDLER
 Dinner!

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 Uncurling from the fetal position that she had fallen asleep
 in, VERONICA's tightly closed eyes snap open in a sweat as her
 mother's voice continues to filter through the door. It's all
 been a dream...........

 MOM (O.S.)
 Dinner! Veronica! Dinner!

 VERONICA closes her eyes and holds her heart. She suddenly
 launches to her desk, opens her diary, shoves on her
 monocle, catches her breath, and begins writing.

 VERONICA (O.S.)
 Dear Diary, no one can stop J.D. Not
 the F.B.I., the C.I.A., or the P.T.A.
 That is to say, no one but me. I know
 where J.D. is coming from and where
 he is heading. He's wrong, but I'm going
 to teach him what's right. I'm going
 to stop J.D....If it's the last thing
 I do.

 VERONICA leans back in her chair, sweating. She reaches in the
 pocket of a blazer draped over the back of the chair and pulls
 out the cigarette J.D. had given her eariler in the film. She
 puts it in her mouth unlit then takes it out and puts it back
 in the blazer.

 EXT. OUTSIDE THE SAWYER HOME--NIGHT

 J.D. remains laconically leaning against his motorcycle with
 his legs suavely crossed as he was before Veronica began
 dreaming. J.D. finishes his cigarette and pulls out a gun. He
 checks the bullets, puts the gun back in his coat, and heads
 toward the house.

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 VERONICA hugs J.F.K. the cat then rips down the hanging doll.

 EXT. THE SAWYER FRONT YARD--NIGHT

 J.D. leans a ladder against the Sawyer house.

 INT. THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE--NIGHT

 MOM sets down three plates of spaghetti. DAD watches on.

 MOM
 Does she want a written invitation?
 (yelling upward)
 Veronica! Dinner!

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 J.D. crawls through VERONICA's window. Hanging from the
 rafter, neck in a noose of bedshoots, is VERONICA.

 INT. THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE--NIGHT

 MOM sets a glass of milk at VERONICA's place, distressed.

 MOM
 Honey?

 INT. VERONICA'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 J.D. paces the room, sweating and ranting, waving a gun in
 one hand, the Barbieish doll in the other.

 J.D.
 I can't believe you did it. I was
 teasing. I loved you. Sure, I climbed
 up here to kill you, but first I was
 going to try and get you back. With
 amazing petition.

 J.D. throws the gun on the bed and pulls from his coat the
 computer printout sheet petition, then savagely rolls it out
 on the floor. It is filled with signatures of different sizes,
 styles, and colors. J.F.K. blinks.

 J.D.
 It's a shame you can't see what our
 fellow students really signed.

 J.D. flicks open a switchblade. He runs the blade beneath the
 typed paragraph at the top causing it to peel off, reavealing
 another typed paragraph.

 J.D.
 Listen. "We students of Westerburg
 High will die. Today. Our burning
 bodies will be the ultimate protest
 to a society that degrades is. Fuck
 you all." Not that subtle but neither's
 blowing up the school. Talk about your
 suicide pacts. When our school explodes
 tomorrow, it's going to be the kind of
 thing that infects a generation. A
 Woodstock for the 80's. Damn, we
 coulda toasted marshmallows together.

 MOM (O.S.)
 Honey, are you all right in there?

 J.D. swiftly picks up the petition and heads out the window.
 MOM enters the room and, seeing her hanging daughter, launches
 into frantic screams.

 MOM
 Oh God, I knew it! No, no! I want my
 baby back! I should have let you keep
 that job at the mall. I was just afraid
 of you coming home alone at night!

 VERONICA opens her eyes.

 MOM
 I made your favorite! Spaghetti!
 Lots of oregano!

 VERONICA undos the noose around her neck but still remains
 hanging for the rope runs all the way down her back beneath
 her blazer and is tied around her waist. She undos the waist-
 knot and lands on her bed. She quickly puts a small pillow over
 the left-behind gun, unnoticed by her dazed MOM.

 VERONICA
 Hey Mom, why so tense?

 INT. THE SAWYER DINNER TABLE AREA--NIGHT

 Montage music plays as VERONICA rears up from her dinner plate
 to see her stonefaced PARENTS and her CAT staring at her.

 INT. J.D.'S BEDROOM--NIGHT

 J.D. tools with a bomb at his desk. A KNOCK on the door. J.D.
 turns down his stereo (and the Montage music).

 BIG BUD DEAN (O.S.)
 I need some help with my homework...

 J.D.
 Sorry tiger, I'm a little busy....

 J.D. turns back up his stereo (and the Montage music).

 EXT. FRONT OF WESTERBURG HIGH--MORNING

 The Montage music continues as school buses arrive in front of
 the school. STUDENTS pour out.

 EXT. SCHOOL PARKING LOT--MORNING

 STUDENTS come out of their cars.

 INT. HALLWAY--MORNING

 Typically hectic start-of-another-day-opening-and-slamming-of-
 locker-action. VERONICA darts through the thoroughfare to her
 locker.

 A passing PAULINE FLEMING screeches to a halt, grabbing
 VERONICA as she chokes on some styrofoam cup coffee.

 PAULINE
 Veronica! J.D. told me you
 committed suicide last night!

 VERONICA
 Where is he? Where's J.D.?

 PAULINE
 We have to talk. I've got some
 pamphlets in my office that will help
 you decide if suicide is really for
 you. Come on, let's go take a look.

 VERONICA
 Get a job.

 VERONICA storms to her nearby locker. She swirls her locker
 combination and opens it. She glances down the hall and
 freezes.

 In the distance, J.D. moves mechanically down the hallway
 carrying a large gym bag, wearing a Walkman.

 VERONICA climbs into her locker. She closes it until it is
 barely perceptibly ajar. J.D. strides past the locker and into
 the Boys bathroom.

 INT. BOYS BATHROOM--DAY

 J.D smoothly moves into a stall and closes the door. He
 turns off his Walkman and ends the Montage music.

 INT. THE HALLWAY--DAY

 The hallway slowly clears as STUDENTS go to class. The bell
 rings. A LATE STUDENT races through the empty hallway.

 VERONICA carefully hatches out of her locker. She treads down
 the hallway as if something were about to jump out at her.

 INT. THE GYM--DAY

 A group of cheerleaders including HEATHER MCNAMARA are lazily
 doing cartwheels on the gym floor. On a small stage set up
 beside them, other STUDENTS are putting up folding chairs.
 PRINCIPAL GOWAN says "Testing" into a microphone.

 J.D., toting the gym bag, slips through the gym door. He moves
 unnoticed to a position underneath the bleachers.

 INT. THE HALLWAY--DAY

 VERONICA peers around a corner to see an empty hallway.

 INT. GYM--UNDER THE BLEACHERS--DAY

 Using heavy black masking tape, J.D. tapes a thermal bomb to a
 steel support beneath the bleachers. Other thermal bombs can be
 discerned taped to other supports.

 INT. THE EMPTY HALLWAY--DAY

 VERONICA cautiously treads down the empty hallway, trying to
 keep in control. Suddenly, packs of STUDENTS burst from
 classroom doors behind VERONICA. The excited swarms of STUDENTS
 move toward and past VERONICA, who has braked her troubled
 treading to stiffly contemplate her passing peers. She latches
 onto Geek RODNEY in a panic. RODNEY looks down at his clutched
 arm with a nervous smile.

 VERONICA
 Rodney, where's everybody going?

 RODNEY
 It's Friday.....

 VERONICA
 Oh my God, another damn pep assembly....

 RODNEY
 Yeah, these things are pretty artificial,
 but at least we all get out of class...

 VERONICA ignores RODNEY's amiable attemots at conversation to
 inquisitively move forward through the crowd.

 INT. THE GYM--DAY

 J.D. darts from out underneath the bleachers to the gym doors.
 He pops the doors open and sees the crowd of STUDENTS move
 toward the gym. He suavely pauses then dashes down a nearby set
 of stairs.

 INT. THE HALLWAY LEADING TO THE GYM--DAY

 VERONICA continues to tensely surf the tidal wave of STUDENTS
 heading for the gymnasium. She stops to watch her classmates
 file into the gym like lemmings with increasing sense of dread.
 She again latches onto a passing RODNEY.

 VERONICA
 Rodney, what's underneath the gym?

 RODNEY (unconsciously) dramatically stops, turns to VERONICA.
 and says........

 RODNEY
 The boiler room.

 VERONICA blanches then lunges through the crowd. She topples a
 couple disgruntled STUDENTS before careening down the staircase
 beside the gym.

 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE BOILER ROOM--DAY

 J.D. walks by the firm glass windows of the boiler room, eyeing
 the pounding generators inside. He stops at a heavy steel door.
 Placing down his gym bag, J.D. proceeds to swiftly pick the
 lock. He swings open the steel door.

 VERONICA (O.S.)
 May I see your hall pass?

 J.D. weilds around. A sweating VERONICA moves toward him,
 pointing the bedroom gun at him.

 J.D.
 I knew that loose was too noose! I
 mean, noose too loose! Goddamn you!

 VERONICA
 Like father, like son. A serious-as-
 fuck bomb in the boiler room that'll
 set off a pack of thermals upstairs.
 Okay, so let's start by slowly putting
 the bomb down on the ground.

 J.D. looks down at the gym bag already on the ground. He folds
 his arms and smiles. VERONICA forcefully moves closer.

 VERONICA
 Okay, okay. I knew that. I knew that.
 Put your hands on your head.

 J.D.
 You didn't say Simon Says.

 J.D. suddenly kicks out into VERONICA's stomach, doubling her
 over and causing her to drop the gun. J.D. gracefully retrieves
 it.

 INT. THE GYM--DAY

 The pep assembly is in full swing with rowdy STUDENTS in the
 bleachers earthily shouting, giggling cheerleaders making
 swaying pyramids, valiant band members struggling to be heard.
 Various Jocks, stand on the stage with PRINCIPAL GOWAN as a
 YEARBOOK PHOTOGRAPHER flashes away.

 INT. THE HALLWAY BEFORE THE BOILER ROOM--DAY

 VERONICA bends over quivering and clutching her bruised ribs.
 J.D. raises the gun to her head.

 J.D.
 Live by the sword...

 VERONICA swings her left arm up knocking J.D.'s gun hand
 upward. She then sails her right fist into his face. The blow
 annoys him more than it hurts him but J.D.'s momentary loss of
 composure allows VERONICA to come in with another much harder
 right hook. The blow sends J.D. stumbling back against the
 boiler room, jarring the gun loose.

 They simultaneously lunge for the gun. VERONICA, having the
 better grip, pulls so forecfully that after wrenching the gun
 from J.D., she loses control of it, flinging it down the hall.
 VERONICA pops up to retrieve it but J.D. moves his legs
 scissors-style around her and trips her.

 INT. GYM--THE PREP ASSEMBLY--DAY

 The assembly mindlessly blares on. Cheerleader HEATHER MCNAMARA
 rah-rah-rahs. RODNEY and the other Geeks pass around a pair of
 opera glasses, all intensely scoping out the cheerleaders. A
 group of STONERS toke away beneath the bleachers, one of them
 lackadaisically leaning against a thermal bomb.

 INT. THE BOILER ROOM HALLWAY--DAY

 A snarling J.D. stands up, pulling VERONICA with him.

 J.D.
 You think just because you started
 this thing, you can end it?

 J.D. violently kisses/bites VERONICA. While kissing, VERONICA
 sees a fire alarm on a nearby wall. She closes her eyes then
 savagely knees J.D. in the groin. VERONICA bolts to the alarm
 and pulls it down. Nothing happens. J.D. gasps.

 J.D.
 You, really didn't think I'd, forget,
 forget, to disconnect the....

 VERONICA rockets her body down and picks up the gun. J.D. grabs
 her and throws her against the steel boiler room door.

 A jostled VERONICA raises the gun. J.D. howls then bounds
 toward VERONICA, causing them both to careen down the steel
 steps of the boiler room. At the same time, he inadvertently
 kicks the gym bag/bomb down along with them. The gun spins from
 VERONICA's hand and slides away. The bomb flies out of the bag
 onto the boiler room floor. A digital clock on the bomb clicks
 on at 5:00....4:59....4:58...

Time Bomb

 INT. GYM--THE PEP ASSEMBLY--DAY

 The frenzied pep assembly crowd is now doing "The Wave". BETTY
 FINN and her similar co-horts deliriously get into the act, all
 sit in a circle at the bottom rows of the bleachers, pouting as
 STUDENTS bounce up and down around them. Jocks stand on the
 stage grinning and preening before the crowd.

 INT. THE BOILER ROOM--DAY

 VERONICA and J.D. are in a heap at the bottom of the boiler
 room steps. VERONICA faintly works into a semi-sitting position
 and gives an astonished glance to the bomb, its digital clock
 clicking to 3:04. VERONICA crawls to the gun and levels it at a
 rousing-up J.D.

 VERONICA
 The bomb's gone on, J.D.! How do
 you turn it off? Tell me!

 Fully standing, J.D. flicks open his switchblade. He gives
 VERONICA "the finger," screaming in exploded saliva...

 J.D.
 Fuck you!

 Seething, VERONICA shoots up at J.D. blowing off "the finger."
 Shrieking in pain, J.D. drops the knife to hold this sudden
 geyser of blood. VERONICA achingly stands, pointing the gun.
 The bomb clicks down to 2:25.

 VERONICA
 It's all over, J.D. Help me to stop it.

 J.D.
 You want to wipe the slate clean as
 much as I do. Okay, so maybe I am
 killing everyone in the school
 because nobody loves me. You have a
 purpose though! Remember? Let's face
 it, the only place different social
 types can genuinely get along with
 each other is in heaven.

 VERONICA fires the gun at J.D.'s feet. The bomb clicks to 1:49.
 She focuses her eyes on three red buttons on the bomb.

 VERONICA
 Which button do I press to turn it
 off? Tell me!

 J.D.
 Try the red one, but seriously, people
 are going to look at the ashes of
 Westerburg and say there's a school
 that self-destructed not because
 society didn't care, but because
 that school was society. Is that
 deep or what? I'll let you put it in
 your diary, babe. Free of charge.

 VERONICA
 Which red button, asshole?

 J.D.
 Press the middle one to turn it off.
 If that's what you want babe.....

 VERONICA picks up the bomb and puts it on a steel drum,
 speaking with her back turned.

 VERONICA
 You know what I want, babe?

 J.D.
 (crouching)
 What?

 J.D. snatches up his switchblade and lunges toward VERONICA.
 She springs away, causing him to bring the knife down past her
 and onto the middle red button, stopping the clock on the bomb
 at 00:17.

 VERONICA
 Cool guys like you out of my life.

 VERONICA fires the gun twice into J.D.'s stomach. Coughing and
 moaning, he splatters against a generator.

 VERONICA
 But don't worry, these here
 were Ich Luge bullets.

 J.D. closes his eyes and slumps to the ground. VERONICA wearily
 regards the image of the knife stuck in the stopped bomb.

 INT. GYM--THE PEP ASSEMBLY--DAY

 A cheerleader does a cartwheel in slow motion as eerie music
 plays. The manic crowd in the bleachers vibrates in slow motion
 as well. At normal speed, a smiling VERONICA walks to the doors
 of the gym and peers in.

 The panorama of roaring students, posing jocks, and prancing
 cheerleaders continues to unfold in slow motion. VERONICA walks
 away......

 EXT. THE FRONT OF THE SCHOOL--DAY

 VERONICA wearily pushes open the front door and emerges outside
 of the school. She closes her eyes to therapeutically bask in
 the sun's rays. A slight smile trembles onto her face. A
 strange voice kills it.

 J.D. (O.S.)
 Color me impressed.

 J.D. stands starkly in the distance before her, blood spurting
 from his mouth onto his gunslinger coat.

 J.D.
 You really fucked me up, Veronica.

 VERONICA
 I thought I...you..I...

 J.D.
 You've got power, Veronica. Power I
 didn't think you had. The slate is clean.

 J.D. pulls open his coat revealing that the bomb is attached to
 his torso. The green light is on and the clock says
 00:10..00:09.

 J.D.
 Pretend I did blow up the school. All
 the schools. Now that you're dead,
 what are you gonna do with your life?

 VERONICA takes the unlit cigrette from her blazer pocket and
 puts it in her mouth. She then folds her arms.

 VERONICA
 Perfecto.

 J.D. raises his arms in a crucifixion pose as the bomb clicks
 to 0:00. Nothing happens. An annoyed J.D. breaks out of his
 crucifixion stance and raps the bomb with his palm.

 INT. GYM--THE PEP ASSEMBLY--DAY

 The sound of the bomb explosion plunges the cheering up-and-down
 pep assembly into chaos. Wailing students pour out of the bleachers
 screaming less out of fear than a "Whoa Dude" sense of excitement.

 EXT. THE FRONT OF THE SCHOOL--DAY

 VERONICA stands in the same position in front of the school
 with her arms still folded. Only now her cigarette is lit and
 her face and clothes are blackened in ash. Flames flicker in
 bushes behind her. VERONICA drags on the cigarette and turns
 to go inside.

 INT. THE FRONT HALLWAY--DAY

 VERONICA strolls into the school and into a hallway of howling
 students, some of whom are tearing down Prom banners for the
 thrill of it. HEATHER DUKE rushes up to VERONICA and grimaces.

 HEATHER DUKE
 Veronica, you look like hell.

 VERONICA
 Yeah, I just got back.

 VERONICA tosses away the cigarette. She then grabs HEATHER DUKE
 by the shoulders and forcibly turns her around.

 HEATHER DUKE
 What are you doing?

 VERONICA
 Heather, my love, there's a
 new sheriff in town.

 VERONICA takes off HEATHER DUKE's red ribbon and ties it around
 the hair of her own head. She kisses HEATHER DUKE on the cheek,
 leaving a black stain. VERONICA calls off.

 VERONICA
 Hey, Martha, wait up.

 MARTHA DUNNSTOCK/DUMPTRUCK revealed to be in a wheelchair,
 brakes to a stop and looks to Veronica, confused. VERONICA
 walks up beside her. MARTHA starts up her wheelchair and
 accompanies VERONICA away into a deserted hallway.

 VERONICA
 My date for the prom kind of flaked
 out on me, so I thought if you
 weren't doing anything that night
 we could go to the video store and
 rent some new releases or something.
 Maybe pop some popcorn.

 MARTHA
 I'd like that.

 VERONICA
 So would I.

 VERONICA and MARTHA continue gliding Bogart/Rains style.

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